Recap by S_D

It’s time to break some balls.

We see some recaps of last week’s “tournament” and Undertaker jumping to SmackDown! to totally ruin the excitement I used to have for watching SD! after a piss-poor RAW. Watching UT pin Benoit saddens me.

WWE SmackDown! – September 5, 2002

TAPED from Green Bay, Wisconsin @ The Resch Center

Your hosts are some gay guy and Hulk Hogan, Jr.

TONIGHT: A face to face interview with WWE Champion (I guess the Undisputed part is dead, that era only lasted 8 months) Brock Lesnar and Number 1 contender The Undertaker with Stephanie McMahon as the moderator. Smell the interest. Oh wait, that’s feces.

Match #1
Rey Mysterio vs. Billy
Hmmm, looks like they’ve upgraded the SmackDown! set some more. They have mini-video walls on the side. Looks great. Why do they keep upgrading SmackDown! but not RAW’s set? RAW needs as much help as it can get. They follow the David v. Goliath line of thinking, but in a stupid way since Billy is here. Rey is really busting it in WWE even though his knees are dead. Billy shows off his array of boring, sleep-inducing restholds. Rey gets the surprise win when he uses a body scissors into a rollup. But kids, the fun has just begun. Rico grabs a microphone and says that Chuck has a question for him. Chuck pops out a ring and asks Billy to be his partner for life. Man, you can tell Chuck doesn’t want to do this by his voice. Billy gleefully says yes, confirming what we’ve been thinking about him for the past 10 years. Cole goes nuts with the gay bashing, but we all know he’s just mad that Chuck asked Billy before he got to ask Tazz. You know, this angle is kind of weird, but it’s a HELL of a lot more entertaining than anything that’s been on RAW is GLASS CEILING for the past 2 weeks.
Winner: Rey Mysterio

Match #2
WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Shannon Moore vs. Jamie Noble (c)
Shannon Moore has 3Count rip off music. Yeah, that’ll get him over. I had the privilege of seeing this match on a house show in May before both debuted on TV, and it was Match of the Night. This match doesn’t disappoint me at least. Jamie gets the duke with a Pearl River Tiger Driving Plunge.
Winner and STILL champ: Jamie Noble

We go backstage to see Lesnar & Heyman talking. Heyman is building up Lesnar’s opponent tonight, Randy Orton, saying that Orton knows everything about Lesnar because they both came up at the same time. It’s just that Lesnar took more steroids than Orton, and that determines who gets the title in Vince-world. Hmmm, last week Matt Hardy, this week Randy Orton. Yeah, and this fighting-midcarders crap really worked for Jericho. Yep.

Edge walks up to Rikishi and acts like Rikishi’s t-shirt is brand new, when it’s really been around since 2000. But he’s Canadian, so he’s automatically forgiven. Rikishi talks about how the stinkface is not meant for comedy, but yet, it’s rather symbolic to let his opponents feel what it’s like for him to live. Jeez, put Rikishi in jean shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt and call him Raven already.

Match #3
Non-Title Match
Randy Orton vs. Brock Lesnar
Hmmm, Undertaker had a match with Randy Orton when he was champ. And now, Lesnar. Poor Randy. Anyways, this match is very VERY good with the finish being Orton going for a Steamboat Crossbody with Lesnar rolling so far through it that he pops up with Orton in his arms, slings him up, and F5’s him to his doom for the win. Nice stuff. Better than that HHH\Flair crap.
Winner: Brock Lesnar

Just when this show couldn’t get any better, it’s Mark Henry and his 42D breasts. He walks up to Billy & Chuck, says nothing, and just shakes Billy’s hand and smiles evey so queerly. Hmmm, is Henry’s reviving Sexual Chocolate, with a twist? Sexual Chocolate And Vanilla Swirls? Well, if Russo was here…

Crash Holly is in the G.M.’s office and Steph thanks Crash for embarrassing Bischoff on RAW and joining SmackDown! Crash leaves and enter Reverend D-Von. He condemns Billy & Chuck for being flamers, but Steph takes up for them. Steph forces D-Von to be at ringside next week for the marriage and to face Batista tonight. C’Mon Steph, have more fun with this. Make him be the marrying minister.

Match #4
Mark Henry vs. Tajiri
Oh great. Match sucks balls, and who’s fault do you think that is? Henry gets the win over Tajiri with the Bulldog Powerslam. What the heck, did I just type that? Ugh. Glad to see that the WWE’s priority of getting over cruiserweights is still lower than their never ending attempts to get Mark Henry over. Cut your losses and get rid of this freaking waste of space. And breasts.
Winner: Mark Henry

Before we go to commercial, we see Stephanie & Undertaker preparing for the interview by chatting about the fun ol’ times they used to have when Stephanie was getting abducted by UT and when UT chained her to a cro—erm, symbol! (Sorry Russo!) and forced her to marry him. UT reveals that he was “just kidding” and all is now well with the world. Why the heck are they in this room? Why not gets the fans involved and do it in the ring? Anyways, Lesnar talks about his accomplishments. UT talks about how he kills the future of all rising superstars. Man, I love double entendres. Heyman then goes into “Mentally Kick You In The Nuts” mode by mentioning that UT was far too concerned with his pregnant wife Sara than his opponent Lesnar. Heyman then promises after Brock destroys him that Heyman himself will take care of Sara, but he can’t guarantee the same for the kid. Ooooh, I love Paul. UT goes HHH-HGH ape, but Lesnar is held back. Segment would have been better received in the ring, and Steph’s moderation was perfect; there was none. She should shut the hell up more often. But wait a minute…UT IS SPAWNING? Good Lord, please don’t let him be a wrestler too.

Match #5
Batista vs. Reverend D-Von
This has been one of the most flattest, uninteresting programs on SD! and the reason is that NOTHING behind this joining\breakup has been explained. Batista just shows up out of nowhere and is D-Von’s buddy, and then they fight for no explained reason. A little explanation would have gone a long way here, but hey, I’m just a stupid internet fan. WHAT DO I KNOW? Anyways, nothing special here, but Batista is getting better every week and is showing a lot more charisma. His music is cool too. The former Deacon gets the win with a sitout powerbomb that would make Mike Awesome proud. Or job. Whatever.
Winner: Batista

Jamie Noble and Nidia are about to get up out this joint as Nidia expresses her support for Billy & Chuck and asks Jamie if they’d ever get married. Jamie readily agrees, but when Nidia can’t see, he’s rolling his eyes looking all worried. Oh well, this union was good while it lasted.

Matt Hardy shows Shannon Moore his tape of him getting killed by Brock Lesnar last week, but yet he seems to think it’s a great match. Shannon says ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, in what has to be his best promo ever, judging from WCW. Hardcore Holly comes up and ruins the moment for Matt, but Matt insists that EVERYONE is jealous of him. Matt’s charisma has really shot up as well lately and has been much much more entertaining than that raver puke wannabe on RAW.

Eddie Guerrero & Kurt Angle are talking backstage about their match tonight. Angle continually disses Benoit, and isn’t getting on Guerrero’s good side either with his sarcastic uses of the words “homie” and “esse”. Calling him Cheech wasn’t too friendly either. Eventually, Eddie goads him into cracking more Benoit jokes…when Benoit is standing behind him. They tease a fight but Eddie tells them to shut up and focus on the match tonight. Another Benoit\Angle feud? **S_D drools**

Match #6
Hardcore Holly vs. Matt Hardy
Solid, if not good, match here. Glad to see Matt Hardy using his talent in a better position than jobbing to Big Stevie Cool on Heat. Holly gets the win rolling up Hardy. Good match. Now, if Holly could only manage to GET OVER…
Winner: Hardcore Holly

Funaki catches up to Rico backstage, and Rico tells everyone to watch the wedding next week because its going to be a “spectacle” and a “moment”. Yeah, we’re gonna see some gay tongue action. Patterson’s gonna get his lifelong wish: an angle about his life. It should be noted that Funaki is wearing a custom t-shirt that says “#1 SmackDown! Announcer”. I’m so getting this shirt. I’m already browsing ShopZone…

Hardcore Holly meets up with cousin Crash Holly, and has that “Oh crap, why did you follow me here” look on his face. He wishes him luck and walks off, still sad that he can’t be a racecar driver on T.V. anymore.

Match #7
Crash Holly vs. The Hurricane
Another good CW match here as Crash will be a lot better off in this division rather than the total joke that was the “Hardcore” division. Sure it’s hardcore…gay hardcore. (This is a gay themed, SmackDown! remember) Crash gets the surprise victory on the former WWE\WCW Cruiserweight Champion after reversing the Hurrichokeslam into a rollup. Hurricane then shakes Crash’s hand after the match, and rightfully so. Crash’s star will get to shine again, and thank God it’s not on Heat.
Winner: Crash Holly

Match #8
Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, & Eddie Guerrero vs. The Undertaker, Edge, & Rikishi
Let’s look at the ratio of good to bad in this match. 4:2. Thankfully, the ratio keeps it’s word as this is a very watchable match. Obviously, Undertaker has been sewing up his past problems. First, he reconciles with Steph after stalking her. Now, he’s gotten back on Rikishi’s good side after tossing his fat ass of the Hell in a Cell in December 2000. That UT, he’s a good guy. As long as he doesn’t have to sell. Near the end of the match, Benoit laughs at Angle for getting a stinkface, and then they fight. What follows is absolutely hilarious as the faces stand behind Guerrero and then Guerrero gets on their side to watch the fight, even putting his elbow on Rikishi’s shoulder for comedic effect. Guerrero is just great. He then, of course, gets mauled. Edge beats on him, then shoves his head in Rikishi’s ass, and then throws him to UT so UT can chokeslam him and get the win. What? You expected UT to step out of the spotlight so that a young star like Edge could get some recognition? Of course not, we need to build up UT for Unforgiven and get him over some more!
Winners: The Undertaker, Edge, & Rikishi

Match By Match:
Rey Mysterio defeated Billy
Jamie Noble defeated Shannon Moore
Brock Lesnar defeated Randy Orton
Mark Henry defeated Tajiri
Batista defeated Reverend D-Von
Hardcore Holly defeated Matt Hardy
Crash Holly defeated The Hurricane
The Undertaker, Edge, & Rikishi defeated Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero

Well, this show sure did take the disgusting, raw (pun intended) sewage taste that RAW put in my mouth. If they really do have split writing teams, just let the SmackDown! team do the entire federation. Good show. There was no Stephanie overkill, which is a plus. I still say Shane would have been a better choice as G.M., but J.R. hates fans with broadband connections, so screw what I think. This show would have been perfect without the Undertaker self-felating, but a good show nevertheless.

S_D, EFNet #Wrestling

©WrestlingDB, 2002.