ANGER MANAGEMENT: WWE Velocity 09\07\02 Sep 07 - 11:12 pm EDT
Recap by S_D
FIRST EVER VELOCITY ANGER MANAGEMENT. And it’s sure to be a beauty.
WWE Velocity
September 7th, 2002
TAPED from Green Bay, Wisconsin @ The Resch Center
Your hosts? That same gay guy and Mark Lloyd.
Match #1
Billy Kidman vs. Albert
REFEREE: Brian Hebner
Good God, Albert. Kidman got the idea how gay he looked in his new attire. Why can’t you? They totally ignore the match and talk about the gay marriage on SmackDown! next week. Does this surprise you, seeing as Michael Cole is the commentator? Albert shows off his slow, plodding, power moves, which never fail to bore. What the hell is Michael Cole’s obsession with the word “cusp”? Is it because it sounds so much like the slang term for semen? Whatever. Albert sucks chants and Albert thinks he’s getting genuine heel heat. Sorry Stone Cold Steve Albert, but that’s X-Pac heat. See ya in TNA. Kidman makes the match interesting with his array of moves, but there’s only so much you can do with Albert. Flying sunset flip from the middle rope gets the 1-2-3 for Kidman. But Albert isn’t done and totally destroys Kidman after the match. If I may reuse material, I’m jolly-glad to see that the WWE’s priority of getting over cruiserweights like Tajiri & Billy Kidman is lower on the list than their neverending attempts to get over un-over-never-will-be-over fatasses like Albert and Mark Henry. I love recycling.
Winner: Billy Kidman
TONIGHT: A recap of the face to face interview from SmackDown! between WWE Champion Brock Lesnar and #1 contender The Undertaker. So let me get this straight. Chris Benoit can make The Rock (who was the champ back then) tap out in a tag match and never get a title match, but UT jobs to HHH on RAW and get gets one? Gotta love politics folks. Also, John Cena vs. Chavo Guerrero.
Chavo Guerrero cuts a promo against John Cena and rekindles ruthless aggression. Oh, crap. “You want aggression, you should try going up a Guerrero!” Going up a Guerrero? Oh well, I guess Bradshaw’s converted him.
Recap of Billy vs. Rey Mysterio from SmackDown! I don’t feel like recapping the gayness I’ve already recapped so refer to my Anger Management SmackDown! recap for this match and all the offbeat shenanigans that followed. One thing to note, Funaki seems to be the ONLY person in the WWE on T.V. that has the balls to call it a marriage instead of that idiotic “commitment ceremony” P.C. crap. Funaki really IS the #1 SmackDown! Announcer.
Match #2
Funaki vs. Mike Awesome
REFEREE: Mike Sparks
Funaki. Comes out and kills Michael Cole and Mark Lloyd with his mic ability. Funaki says that while Everybody may love Raymond, Everyone Loves Funaki. You’re damn right we do. FUNAKI IS THE MAN. That’s it. No more discussion. Send him to RAW and let him be World Heavyweight Champion. Funaki now has the SmackDown! logo on his attire. Once again, Funaki…The Man. Good little match as usual with these two. Funaki chants? Dear God, there might be hope after all. Awesome goes for an avalanche, but Funaki moves, gets the rollup, for the 1-2-3!! FUNAKI WINS!! Hmmm, let’s see. Albert, Mark Henry, Bull Buchanan, and now…Funaki. I bet Mike Awesome feels like a total idiot now for jumping to WCW with Paul Heyman’s title. I bet Heyman is having all the fun in the world watching Awesome get pinned by people like Albert and Henry.
Winner: Funaki
Recap of the Undertaker self-dicksucking 6-Man tag match from SmackDown! Screw this crap.
Recap of the moderated interview crap. It’s obvious now that Paul Heyman has turned Stephanie on so much that she is fingering herself under the table. Why else would she be shutting the hell up? Undertaker’s gonna take him somewhere he hasn’t been? Well, judging from Brock’s body, UT’s taking him to pizza hut.
Sting cuts a stupid, generic “don’t count me out” promo for his upcoming match with Chavo Guerrero. I know something better that would have filled that spot: dead air.
Match #3
Chavo Guerrero vs. John Cena
REFEREE: Mike Chioda
Wrestling is in Chavo’s blood according to Cole. According to me, something else is in his blood if he wants us to try going up a Guerrero. Good Lord that fake pop for Cena was so obvious. Cena is wearing green and yellow because they are in Green Bay. And I say Duh Huh. Cena chants? Maybe I was wrong. Cole babbles about how Cena makes rookie mistakes. Cole, your parents made a rookie mistake: they forgot the condom. Good scientific match that gets no complaints from me. CONFIDENTIAL RE-RUN UP NEXT! Cena fakes a punch, and when Chavo flinches, Cena hits a small package for the duke. Now THAT was innovative.
Winner: John Cena
Match By Match:
Billy Kidman defeated Albert
Funaki defeated Mike Awesome
John Cena defeated Chavo Guerrero
Another good show this week with two solid matches, and the other match being ok because Kidman won. Still, FIRE ALBERT. He SUCKS. Why does this hairy piece of crap still have a job? Is it just because Pat Patterson likes to grab his body hair when he has sex with him? Whatever. Good show.
S_D, EFnet #Wrestling
©2002, WrestlingDB
