Recap by S_D

WWE RAW

September 9, 2002

LIVE from Ames, Iowa @ The Hilton Coliseum

Well, HOT DAWG. We’re in Iowa. That’s an automatic 100 point increase in quality right there. And the new Bischoff picture count in the RAW intro is up to 3.

Your hosts are the husband of J.R. (Jan Ross, you morons) & The Horny Idiot

Match #1
WWE World Tag Team Title Match
Kane & Bradshaw vs. Lance Storm & Christian
REFEREE: Jack Doan
All the heat Kane generated was killed off when Hazeshaw came out. Oh God, Bradshaw has a microphone. If I may quote Hulk Hogan, “Blah Blah Blah”. More 9\11 cheap heat. And by the way, Ohio is the heartland of America. I don’t think the HEARTLAND Wrestling Association is in Iowa. More 9\11 crap heat for the UnOriginalGimmickers. I have a bad feeling Justin Hawk & Dr. Issac are gonna win the belts. Why couldn’t have Booker & Goldust won them? Would that have made too much sense? Why this stupid one week old makeshift team? And their heat will be dead starting on September 12th. Jerry Lawler talks about some “earth-shattering” announcement Eric Bischoff has. This is a huge mistake, as it will in no way, shape, or form live up to last week’s foundation-cracking news of Crash Holly jumping to SmackDown! There’s no way. Now, keep in mind, Kane beat both of these guys BY HIMSELF last week. So if Dr. YankHawk don’t win, strike another ILLOGICAL on the board for the WWE creative team. God Lawler, shut the fuck up about Bischoff’s announcement. Knowing Lawler, it’s probably an announcement about the first ever full-frontal nudity on RAW or something. Well, Bischoff is going to be here right after this match to make the announcement. I can tell you right now, you’re gonna be disappointed, I’m gonna be disappointed, Bob Dole’s gonna be disappointed. Well, 9\11 or not, this sure is a hot crowd. Which is never a bad thing. William Regal runs in and nails Bradshaw with the Power Of The Punch for Christian to get the win and retain the tag team titles. ILLOGICAL. It seems as if William Regal has joined the UnAmericans. Damn, does that mean I can’t call them Canadians anymore?
Winners and STILL Tag Team Champions: Lance Storm & Christian

Here comes Eric Bischoff to the ring and Lawler builds this up to unmeasurable proportions, guaranteeing a disappointment. Maybe RAW, in competition to SmackDown!, will announce the first ever lesbian wedding or something. This IS Lawler hyping it up after all.

RAW General Manager is in the ring. Talks about the way how some of the RAW wrestlers are upset about how HHH was just given a World Title. So he announces our main event tonight. It’s gonna be Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy vs. The Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam tonight. And the winner gets a shot at the World Heavyweight Title at Unforgiven. So let me get this straight: The Big Show whines about not getting the World Heavyweight Title last week. Eric Bischoff tells Show to go out and impress him. He goes and gets his ASS KICKED by Tommy Dreamer and THAT deserves a shot to face HHH? Blow me. Bischoff goes nutso about how the media is going crazy about Billy & Chuck. He says he has two women that will take place in some H.L.A. Hot Lesbian Action. I KNEW it had something to do with women by the way Lawler was verbally masturbating over it. Any bets on Molly running in?

Time for the Chris Jericho interview of the week. He’s eating an apple. Well, you know what they say, an apple a day keeps the glass ceiling away. In the meanwhile, Jericho is spitting the apples all over Terri. Jericho’s the man folks.

In the meanwhile, HHH is here to immediately undermine Jericho’s promo. HHH is ranting like a boring idiot as usual when Bubba Ray Dudley comes up and saves the damn promo. We found out that HHH will take on Spike Dudley tonight. Well, at least it’s something new. We also find out that Bubba will take on Steven Richards when, almost on word cue, Richards comes out and nails the absolute hell out of Bubba. Good promo. Bubba and Richards made it. So, it’s HHH vs. Spike, and Bubba vs. Richards. I hope Spike no-sells HHH.

McRibs & Trish Stratus walking down a hallway when they come up to a room with “LESBIANS” on it. Yeah, THAT'S not degrading.

Match #2
Steven Richards vs. Bubba Ray Dudley
REFEREE: Nick Patrick
Richards is FINALLY wearing wrestling tights instead of the pants Tommy Dreamer wore during the InVasion. Bubba comes out and nails Richards on the back of his head to return the favor. Of course, in true WWE fashion, they totally ignore the match and talk about the lesbians. Well, Lawler does. J.R. is trying. Good match here. I don’t use the f-word much in my recaps, but JERRY LAWLER SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I FLY TO IOWA AND MURDER YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU HORNY PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. Ok, done. Caring and sharing…EVEN J.R. snaps on Lawler and tells him to call the match. I think the “H.L.A.” mention-count is up to #718. And that’s just for this match alone. Once again, hot crowd here. Ok, I just muted the damn T.V. This is just pathetic. Bubba hits a middle rope powerbomb for the 1-2-3. It’s a shame that Lawler’s verbal masturbating totally took this match over.
Winner: Bubba Ray Dudley

Stacy Keibler & Victoria prepare for their upcoming match with Terri & Trish Stratus. Lawler probably goes crazy here, but I wouldn’t know since I muted the fricking T.V. Someone needs to memo Lawler in his headset and tell him to shut the hell up. Unmute.

Match #3
Stacy Keibler & Victoria vs. Terri & Trish Stratus
REFEREE: Charles Robinson
The match hasn’t even started and MUTE. Not even a minute in, and this match SUCKS. Eric Bischoff said it right about 3 weeks ago when he said, “Nobody cares about women’s wrestling.” Preach on Brother Eric. Good Lord, Lawler has binoculars. BRING BACK PAUL HEYMAN. PLEASE. LAWLER IS ANNOYING ME EVEN WITH THE DAMN MUTE ON. End this match now. Please. J.R. needs to slap Lawler's face RIGHT NOW and SHUT HIM UP. Jeezus, this is SLOPPY. And McRibs and Keibler are NOT the ones in the ring. OH MAN, TRISH AND MCRIBS BLEW THE TAG SPOT. McRibs nails the flying rib poker of death onto Keibler for the win. Shoot me.
Winners: Terri & Trish Stratus

Chris Nowinski and newest UnAmerican William Regal are seen in the back. Nowinski comes to terms that Regal is leaving his side and when he mentions lesbians, Regal slaps him in the face (DON’T BE DAFT!), scolds him for wanting to see lesbians and wanting to screw Molly Holly. Regal sets the tough enough loser straight telling him to shape up and act like a Harvard graduate. You know…I’m starting to get the idea that Molly is actually ONE of the lesbians. *sigh*

Chris Nowinski heads to the ring, wearing his Harvard jacket to get some cheap heat, that doesn’t work. Well, his 2nd attempt works by dissing Iowa State. Oh God, it’s now the “my school is better than your school” crap. Here comes Tommy Dreamer to start the fun and wears some cheap heat of his own. Dreamer runs in and they fight. Dreamer totally whips his ass. Nowinski grabs a singapore cane and then starts hitting home runs on Dreamer. Dreamer gets back and tears up Nowinski with his cane. Dreamer has new music. Dreamer whips Nowinski’s ass? Well, by that logic, Chris Nowinski will get a shot to fight HHH for the World Heavyweight Title next week.

We see Spike coming to the ring in prep for his upcoming match with HHH when he runs into the two lesbians. Good frickin God, one of them is so ugly. She looks like she has one of those down syndrome box faces or something. And to think, Lawler goes nuts for this crap. Spike in the meanwhile does the worst spit take ever. This is NOT looking good.

Match #4
Non-Title Match
Triple H vs. Spike Dudley
REFEREE: Chad Patton
Why did HHH come out first? Spike got no reaction AT ALL. And he had to follow HHH. I bet it was *gasp* HHH’s idea. HHH shakes Spike’s hand and wishes him good luck. Ok… I hope this matches HHH vs. TAKA from April 2000. But then again, HHH has to give a shit to do that. And judging from his work lately, that doesn’t look likely. Fans are chanting “Trip-El-H”. Nowinski was right, these people are idiots. Ok, UNMUTE. I’m actually into this. HHH looks like he remembers his TAKA match. He’s bumping for Spike nicely. I’ll let him go this week. HHH nails the pedigree, but HHH is not going for the cover. ACID DROP. HHH gets his foot on the ropes at two. Oh darn. And to think, I thought for a second HHH would do the job. Stupid S_D. HHH…gets the win with the sleeper? A SLEEPER? What the hell is he now? Rowdy Roddy Glass Ceiling? HHH continues the after-match onslaught, but Bubba runs in to stop it. Well, whoopee. This is almost like the UT-Hardy mini-feud.
Winner: Triple H

Ah damn, speaking of that raver faggot, here he is. Jeff sees Bischoff and goes straight for him. Who’s that in the background? Why yes. IT’S THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER! In the meanwhile, Hardy babbles about extreme bankruptcy or something.

LATER TONIGHT: The Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Chris Jericho, winner goes on to Unforgiven to fight HHH for the World Heavyweight Title. Once again, why the HELL is Big Show in this match? He got his ass kic—ah, it’s no use.

Jericho has been talking to and trying to plot with The Big Waste Of Money. Johnny Stamboli gives Big Slob some advice, but Big Showkiller goes crazy because he’s had no food in the last 25 seconds.

We go to Booker T. and we find out that it’s Book\Goldust vs. Regal\Test next. Goldust sneaks up from behind with a Kane mask. Kane then sneaks up from behind Goldkane with a Kane mask. Here comes Bradshaw to ruin the segment. Bradshaw wants to know who wants to go watch HLA with him and Kane discreetly raises his hand. Booker then talks about how great America is when a drunk Texan, two guys obsessed with a certain color, and a guy Vince Russo pushed can sit together and masturbate to lesbians. Or something. Apparently the stereotype and the down syndrome chick are next.

Match #5
Booker T. & Goldust vs. William Regal & Test
REFEREE: Nick Patrick
Anyone remember when Test squashed Regal in 25 seconds the night after Royal Rumble 2001 to win the Eurotrash title? Apparently Regal doesn’t. I bet he remembers pissing on that stewartist through. J.R. shoots on sources again. Scherer vs. J.R. at WMX9 in a Keyboard on a Pole match, my sources tell me. Wow, Test is great at NOT hiding the fact he’s calling spots on camera. J.R. calls Test a sucka. Har har. SPINAROONIE~! But Regal counters with the POWER OF THE PUNCHAROONIE~! Kane, Bradshaw, Lance Storm, and Christian run in for the clusterfuck double DQ finish.
Winners: Double DQ

The lesbians are walking to the ring. I still think Molly is somehow either going to ruin this or…take part in this. Oh worse yet, I sure hope they don't go 3 MINUTES too long.

Bischoff is in the ring and disses the “ratings scheme” on SmackDown! Here comes the lesbians. And I press MUTE. I wonder what Good Ol’ JAN ROSS thinks of this. Bischoff probably got these chicks from the Gold Club. “Now as much fun as this would be for me, let me introduce you to my wife…” Anyways. Holy shit, they are both ugly. Bischoff leads the crowd into an “H.L.A” chant. This is what you can expect every women’s match from now on for the next 3 years. Apparently, they have names now. Bischoff does some mediation of his own and goes back in forth while they have verbal sex with each other and entices them to strip each other down. This is so surreal. Is Vince Russo booking this crap? Well, they finally kiss, but…apparently we aren’t allowed to get a shot. Oh well, Bischoff hits the 3Minutes cue and Rosie and Jamal totally BEAT THE SHIT out of these women. That was actually entertaining. Kudos for being creative, even though it was painfully obvious after a while what was going to happen. The referees then run down because they see the perfect opprotunity to cop some feels.

Rob Van Dam runs into Ric Flair backstage and Flair gives him props for last week. Memo to WWE: The I-C belt still says WWF. Continuity, people!

Match #6
Fatal 4 Way Elimination Match
Winner Gets Ass Kicked At Unfo—oh, wait…World Heavyweight Title Shot At Unforgiven
Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy vs. The Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam
REFEREE: Earl Hebner
Ok, Lilian said it was elimination. So did J.R. Thank God. Make sure Big Show gets eliminated first please. Hmmm, one has to wonder why they are all of a sudden plugging WWE Butt Rape (Forcible Entry) again. Did I just hear Rocky Sucks chants? I take it back Iowa fans, you kick ass! It looks as if Big Show and Jericho seem to be teaming together, which in turn makes RVD and Jeff team together, making it an indirect tag match, which sucks. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Jericho nails Show with a chair, Show has it when the ref gets up and Jericho pretends he got nailed, which prompts Hebner to DQ Big Show. Brilliant. Big Show chokeslams everyone afterwords, but he’s gone, so it’s great. JERICHO vs. HARDY vs. RVD. We go to a mid-match commercial break, but don’t worry, Nitro will be right back. HEY WAIT A MINUTE! That was just WWE’s idea of a joke, and the real main event is coming up next. Haha WWE, you tricksters. So, well, let’s make it official!

Match #6
3 Way Dance
Winner Gets World Heavyweight Title Shot At Unforgiven
Chris Jericho vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Van Dam
REFEREE: Earl Hebner
Ah, MUCH better. I like this one a lot more. Jeff f’s up the ol’ double springboard moonsault. Essa Rios you aren’t, Jeff Hardy. RVD and Hardy begin double teaming Jericho, but that doesn’t last long as RVD realizes that Jeff is a faggot and attacks him. “Van Dam may have broken his neck there.” – J.R. Once again, how does Darren Drozdov watch RAW? Jericho nails the Lionsault on Hardy and gets the 1-2-3. JERICHO VS. RVD. Wait…Jericho vs. RVD? Watch out guys, Scott Batura is watching! Be on your best work! Jericho goes right into the exposed turnbuckle and DOESN’T EVEN SELL IT. Good job, assclown. This match got GREAT when Big Slob got rightfully eliminated. RVD misses the 5-Star. The Lionsault gets…ONLY 2! And just when I said this match got great, HHH comes out to steal all the heat from the match. Jericho goes headfirst into the turnbuckle and RVD hits the 5-star and gets the 1-2-3! RVD goes on to Unforgiven to get the shot at HHH while HHH pretends to act all scared. But we all know with one magic touch to Steph’s vagina, all will be well in HHH world as RVD will job cleanly at Unforgiven.
Winner: Rob Van Dam

ALL IN ALL this show was MUCH better than last week, mainly because every segment wasn’t polluted with The Glass Ceiling like last week. The show dragged in the earlier parts of the show, especially with Lawler going absolutely MANIACAL and INSANE about the lesbians, but picked up after the tag team women’s abomination got over with. Compared to last week, thumbs up from S_D.

S_D, EFNet #Wrestling
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Last Edited: Wednesday, September 11th, 2002 - 02:42 am EDT