Recap by S_D

WWE RAW

September 30, 2002

LIVE from Houston, Texas @ The Compaq Center

Your hosts are J.R. and the guy with the broken face

TONIGHT FROM WWE.COM – The only match that was announced was the tag team match announced last week with Booker T. & Goldust taking on the team of 3 Minutes. The only noteworthy items from the preview besides that match were the fact that we will have yet another “Big Announcement” from Eric Bischoff. Hmmm, maybe more HLA that won’t end up happening? If Lawler goes absolutely nuts about the announcement in the first match like he did the last time we had this announcement tease, you can bet your ass it HLA PT.2. Also, more on RVD gets his ass-kicked some more by HHH.

We open with The Bisch and a returning Lita in the ring. Bischoff says don’t watch football because we have 3 championship matches. Trish Stratus, Chris Jericho, and HHH will be defending their titles. WTF J.R.? Trish Stratus is Main Event? Bischoff announces that the I-C Title and the World Heavyweight Championship will be unified at No Mercy. Well, as of right now, it’s HHH vs. Jericho. Gee, I wonder who’s gonna win. Bischoff mentions a WWE.Com and questions Lita’s answer to an interview in which she was asked which she thought it was a better show. Well, Lita speaks for everyone else. HAHAHAH, Lita is the new announcer on Heat. LET THE RATINGS HIT THE FLOOR, and Bischoff calls for 3 Minutes. And Bischoff gets more than he bargained for as the evil Samoan Rolexs of doom come out with Rico. Jeff Hardy comes out to get his ass kicked because he just doesn’t care, remember. Booker and Goldust save the day for Lita and Bischoff starts the tag team match right now. Well, that was fun.

Match #1
3 Minutes vs. Booker T. & Goldust
REFEREE: Chad Patton
Uh oh, Rico’s got a bald spot. J.R. says that 3 minutes combine are over 750 pounds. I love J.R. when he’s in useless information mode. Booker rids of the evil watches and hits a Spinnaroonie on roids. HAH, Rosey gets in the ring a little too late and the referee looks like a buffoon for not counting 3 when nothing happens. Jamal hits a huge splash from the top rope onto Booker and gets the 1-2-3. Jeez, who the hell did Booker T. piss off? Way to make the home crowd happy, WWE.
Winners: 3 Minutes

Backstage, Coachman sucks up to 3 Minutes and Rico and asks what their goal is. Rico wants to lead 3 Minutes to the WWE Tag Team Titles. And then, they singularly threat Coach, just to look cool.

Backstage we see Lance and Christian are arguing. Storm asks Christian why he screamed like a baby after getting chokeslammed by The Hurricane. Christian’s response? “Dude, he’s a super hero!” Regal becomes the voice of reason and tells Lance to focus on his match with Randy Orton. Christian looks like he’s preparing for a face turn.

I-C Champ Chris Jericho is being interviewed by McRibs and we find out that Chris Jericho will defend against Kane. Coffee on a Pole match please? Apparently, McRibs is the assclown of the week and when Jericho attempts to leave, he is bombarded by Gregory Helms and then Kane. Jericho runs off like a wuss because HHH promised Steph a rimjob if she’d write it into the show. Terri then kisses Kane and Kane’s explanation: “Chicks dig the mask.” Kane is go(o)d, by the way.

Match #2
Lance Storm vs. Randy Orton
REFEREE: Nick Patrick
This is pathetic, they treat Orton like the 2nd coming of Jesus, and when he comes out the crowd just sits in their hands. But that doesn’t mean this match will suck, because knowing these two guys, it won’t. We find out from J.R. that Trish will defend against Victoria and HHH will defend against Bubba Ray. GO BUBBA. Orton pins Storm in a weird spot that allows us to see that Orton wears g-strings. Disgusting.
Winner: Randy Orton

Christian then comes out and steals J.R.’s hat. He disses Texas and Lance Storm. Christian then tells Lance he will show him how not to job and challenges Orton. Orton tells him to bring it. Works for me.

Match #3
Randy Orton vs. Christian
REFEREE: Nick Patrick
The match was fun, but Randy went for his finisher and Christian completely FUCKS it up by not moving at all with the move. Way to go Christian. Randy gets the win and, thus, defeats the former tag team champions by himself.
Winner: Randy Orton

We see Bischoff backstage with Jeff Hardy. Bischoff tells him that he’s being punished for sticking his nose in his earlier business so he’s putting him in the ring with the Big Show again. Oh GREAT. I guess Bischoff’s punishing us too. Bischoff tells him to go out an impress him because he’s starting to believe he got the wrong hardy. BURNNNNN. Funny, the last time Bischoff told two people to impress him, one of them ended up fired. Stasiak vs. D-Lo, you moron. Flair comes up and him and Bischoff talk about some sort of ex-SmackDown! talent deal. Whatever. Oh yeah, RVD vs. Flair for tonight.

Match #4
Jeff Hardy vs. The Big Show
REFEREE: Dog Shit Face Jacqueline
I guess Dog Shit is reprising her referee role. Big Show FINALLY has a new Titantron video after 3 years. HAHAHA, FABULOUS sign in the crowd: “I’d Rather Be At TNA”. Amen, brother. The fight bores the hell out of me as I am too busy watching for the TNA sign. They do some boring shit outside the ring and Jeff wins by countout. Whoopdee fucking doo. Why wasn’t this shit on Heat?
Winner: Jeff Hardy

We cue to part of the Houston Texans in the crowd. Don’t care. Don’t care.

Booker T. comes up to Jericho. He confronts him about Jericho’s claimed that he is a loser. Jericho then makes his claim truthful by making Booker look like a fool.

Match #5
World Heavyweight Championship
Bubba Ray Dudley vs. Triple H
REFEREE: Charles Robinson
Bubba cuts a nice pre-match promo doing something HHH wouldn’t even think about doing: making the World Heavyweight Title seem important. Bubba Ray is so obviously shooting during these promos, and they rule for doing so. HHH comes out with Flair apparently being his manager. This should be fun to find the HHH stiff spots. These moronic fans seem to be behind HHH. Fuck them, then. Well, there’s one fan in the arean who S_D loves, and it’s the same guy who has the TNA sign as he has revealed a NEW sign that says: “HHH: THAT DAMN BORING” Awesome. HHH hits his new sleeper finisher which I will call “The Glassmission”. Flair jumps to the top rope and Bubba propels him off. He hits the BubbaBomb on HHH, but the referee is not there to count, for he is shooing Flair out of the ring. HHH then hits The Glass Ceiling for the 1-2-3. WAIT, HHH WON??? HOLY SHIT, THERE’S A SURPRISE. Boring ass match. This’s week’s recipient of the FUCK YOU AWARD is HHH.
Winner and STILL boring the hell out of everyone as champion: Triple H

Backstage we see Trish Stratus get her asskicked by Victoria. Oh well, at least he saw cleavage. And it looks like Victoria got rid of her new ring attire that she debuted last week.

Match #6
WWE Women’s Championship
Victoria vs. Trish Stratus
REFEREE: Jack Doan
I bet this match has more effort than HHH put into the last match. This match is quite fun. Victoria rules. Victoria smacks Trish with a chair and it’s a DQ.
Winner and Still champion: Trish Stratus

We go backstage as we see WWE has reprised Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal in their neverending effort to steal all the ideas that made WCW suck. Bischoff introduces the wheel as the “RAW Roulette” wheel and says that every match next week will have a stipulation added to it by the wheel. Stacy Keibler whines for more airtime and Bischoff gives her a Women’s Title match for next week. What exactly are the rules to an HLA match anyways.

Not only are WWE constantly dissing on Monday Night Football, but now it’s poor Ray Romano.

The UnAmericans argue.

Coach tries to talk to HHH. He’s in the shower with sluts and a big bucket of Glass AIDS. Jericho comes in, makes HHH look like a GLASSCLOWN (har har)

RVD and Dreamer prepare for their match against Test and Regal tonight.

I AM FUCKING BORED. I WANT TO GO TO BED. I want to know who the fuck wrote that RAW the night after Vengeance and wonder why the hell that person hasn't written anything since.

Match #7
William Regal & Test vs. Rob Van Dam & Tommy Dreamer
REFEREE: Nick Patrick
J.R. recognized that RVD is a very popular man but apparently the WWE writers don’t. Sorry I’m not writing much, this is just a fucking boring ass show. RVD kicks Test and Dreamer gets the pin. The UnAmericans clear the ring of RVD and Dreamer and then…attack each other. And then…RVD and Dreamer attack. And then…I fall to fucking sleep. Maybe they’ll split the UnAmericans into UnAmerican Hollywood and UnAmerican Wolfpac.
Winners: RVD & Dreamer

Booker T. then finishes his catch phrase in the best delayed SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAA ever. Booker really needs a fucking world title already. The guy is the next Rock.

Match #8
WWE Intercontinental Championship
Kane vs. Chris Jericho
REFEREE: Earl Hebner
Flair comes out mid-match to help Jericho. Hebner then throws out Flair. COMMERCIAL BREAK! Just when I’m having trouble staying awake as it is. J.R. sounds visibly upset as he knows this RAW sucks ass. God, this match sucks. The whole RAW sucks. HHH comes out just when things can’t be boring enough. Jericho messes everything up because he isn’t allowed to do anything right in HHH’s presence. Kane hits the chokeslam for the win and the I-C Title. Oh boy, Jericho has another less-than-a-month I-C Title reign on his resume. Kane vs. HHH at No Mercy. TIME TO SLEEP.
Winner and NEW I-C Champ: Kane

ALL IN ALL this was one of the most boring and shitty shows I’ve seen this year. I was having trouble staying awake through this crap. Thursday’s just don’t come fast enough.

S_D, EFNet #Wrestling

©2002, WrestlingDB