Recap by S_D

We start off this week with a recap of Big Show's attack of Rey Mysterio and Brock Lesnar during their match last week. I didn't think it was possible to make me care about RAW's World Title match more, but hey, the Big Show is an unbelievable (fat) man.

Match #1
Jamie Noble & Nidia vs. Billy Kidman & Torrie Wilson
I guess they remembered this week that Billy and Torrie were engaged. Nice work. Lots of cruiserweight action here and catfighting and stuff. Kidman hits a push-off bulldog and the Shooting Star Press for the duke over the Cruiserweight Champion in 5:07. Perhaps we may actually get a cruiserweight match on pay-per-view this month? We can only hope.
Winners: Billy Kidman & Torrie Wilson

Meanwhile, The Big Show arrived to the arena looking for Brock Lesnar and the 14 pizzas he ordered.

Meanwhile coming off her victory, Torrie Wilson meets up with her father "Weird" Al Wilson. Al, doing his spot-on Linda McMahon impression, tells Torrie that he's been feeling all alone since the divorce and it's time he screwed what Torrie thought and did something for himself. Al had all the personality of a piece of glass. Glass? Oh wait, this isn't RAW...

Meanwhile, SmackDown! Numba Won Announca! Funaki is backstage with "Vanilla Ice" John Cena. He seems to still be stuck in the rapping bit from last week and talks trash about Rikishi. Rikishi responds by rapping about Cena. A white man and a samoan rapping insults towards each other. What the hell is this? VH1?

Meanwhile, Stephanie McMahon is watching the tape of her and Bischoff kissing because Lord knows we haven't seen it enough. In come Eddie & Chavo who rag on her for liplocking with Bischoff. They demand a WWE Tag Title shot that Edge & Rey were getting tonight. The GM responded that there would be an announcement about the WWE Tag Team Titles next Tuesday on the WWE's UPN Special "Super Tuesday". Eddie then keeps egging on her and Steph puts him into a non-title match against Brock Lesnar tonight. Good for Eddie.

Match #2
John Cena vs. Rikishi
This match was hyped with rapping, remember. It doesn't take long for the Samoan fat ass to hit the stinkface, making all the fans go crazy 2 years ago. Seriously, it was funny the first couple times, but Rikishi's obsession with rubbing his ass in other men's faces is just getting weird. Cena gets hit with the chokeslam and the banzai drop for the win at 4:12. Yes, that's right, the man who pinned Chris Jericho clean on pay-per-view just got killed in 4 minutes by a fat man who wrestles in a thong. Rikishi then proceeds to keep on with his expired-by-2-years schtick which is only being preserved thanks to the ©WWE Auto-Heat Machine. Cole then decides to tell us that this is what SmackDown! is all about. Yes, it's not about all that great wrestling that The Super 6 (Benoit, Angle, Eddie, Chavo, Edge, & Rey) bring us everyweek, oh no, it's all about fat men in thongs!
Winner: Rikishi

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy, Version 1~! is with what he calls his first student in Shannon Moore. Moore had on his nice V1 t-shirt which I think every person in America should be forced by law to own. Shannon goes to put some sugar in his coffee and Matt lays it on him because sugar has no Mattitude! Matt then decreed than he was going to the WWE Champion's locker room.

Meanwhile, "Weird" Al Wilson and Dawn Marie are backstage talking about Al asking "that" question and Al said he wanted to do it in the ring. Oh Lord in Heaven, not this stuff again.

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy, Version 1~! met up with the agent of the WWE Champion, Paul Heyman. Matt informs that while Lesnar was feuding with Undertaker, Matt softened up Taker so much that Lesnar was able to destroy him. He then revealed he was going to get a match with Big Show tonight so he could do the same thing. Paul showed his graditude to Mattitude (heh) by tagging him as the next...big...thing. Paul went to relay the news to Brock and Brock was not to happy, saying he wanted Big Show tonight. Yes Brock, I think we all want this feud over with as soon as possible.

"Weird" Al Wilson came to ring and basically proposed to Dawn Marie in what would have been one of the worst segments in SmackDown!'s history if it were not for the heroic commentary of Michael Cole and Tazz, who were absolutely hilarious in this segment and made it watchable. Some of the gems in this segment include:
[Cole] I thought we got enough of this with Billy and Chuck.
[Tazz] Kill himself? Well, you can only do that spot once.
[Cole] Hey look, I think Al changed expressions!
Cole and Tazz may have officially taken the reigns as WWE's best commentary team with this segment.

Meanwhile, Torrie was seen leaving the building in an upset-state. If Dawn Marie was going to be my new stepmom, I wouldn't be so upset.

Match #3
Matt Hardy vs. The Big Show
This week's Mattitude information: Matt hates cold weather! Matt made a 1330 on his SAT! Darn, he beat me by 100 points. I guess I don't have enough Mattitude. Anyways, Big Show kills Matt with the chokeslam in 1:57. What the hell is this? Squash-people-that-could-actually-mean-something-in-the-future-for-the-sake-of-people-who-don't-mean -a-damn-thing-right-now night? Must be. Show then gets on the mic again this week and cuts another one of his awesome blown-up promos on Brock.
Winner: The Big Show

Meanwhile, Brock destroys a TV that in WWE-World costs $916,429.

Match #4
WWE Tag Team Championship
2 Out Of 3 Falls
Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle (c) vs. Edge & Rey Mysterio
Just to take you back, Edge & Rey defeated The Guerreros to get the shot. Edge & Rey hit an awesome double-team powerbomb for the first fall at 5:57. Edge goes for a spear but gets hit with Benoit's tag belt for Angle to attach on the Ankle Lock for the 2nd fall at 9:22. In the 3rd fall, Rey hits a victory roll on Angle to win the Tag Titles at 19:36. But wait, Angle's hand was in the ropes, so of course, the match must continue! 4th fall, Benoit goes for the flying headbutt but accidentally hits Angle, Edge nails the spear on Angle at 24:16 to really capture the Tag Titles. That was one of the most incredible matches on television in the longest time, and think about this: Edge and Benoit worked this 25-minute classic after they had already worked a Triple Threat Match with Eddie earlier that was taped for Super Tuesday. Absolutely ABSOLUTELY awesome stuff. I could live watching this stuff forever.
Winners and NEW WWE Tag Team Champions: Edge & Rey Mysterio

Meanwhile, Brock has had enough of everything going on and Paul proceeds to totally bitch him out and subtract himself from tonight's match with Eddie.

Match #5
Non-Title Match
Eddie Guerrero vs. Brock Lesnar
Nice wrestling with these two. You know, as long as Lesnar doesn't turn into an ego-bitch like Undertaker and Triple H, I think I'll be able to live a happy WWE life with Brock Lesnar as one of the top guys. He's got the look, he's a good wrestler considering all the other top-of-the-card crap around him right now. Just keep that Rock attitude of not caring about jobbing and Lesnar will be A-OK. Brock propels Eddie into Chavo, and nails him with the F5 for the win at 6:39. Post-match antics involce Big Show coming out and making Lesnar his 2nd victim of the slam off the stage onto the trampoline outside. Survivor Series and the end of this feud aren't coming fast enough.
Winner: Brock Lesnar

Great show. Can we let Heyman write RAW too? Please???

S_D

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