Recap by S_D

---By the way, I am institutionalizing a new feature to my recaps: the match ratings. But you see, unlike a certain fat Canadian out there, my rating system will be favorable to everybody if they EARN it. Not just automatic to those with the last names Benoit, Guerrero, Angle, Mysterio, and…uh…whatever Edge’s last name would be and crap for everyone else. And also, you’re not going to see any GAY 1\2, 1\4, or 3\4 crap. This is match ratings, not fucking algebra class. Not that there was anything wrong with algebra class. I mean, my teacher was a hot 24 year old and I constantly played pocket pool when looking at the ever so prevalent thong outline in her pants everyday. But, wait, this is RAW! Not Porn! But Armageddon on the other hand…oh, that’s another recap for another time.---

ANGER MANAGEMENT

WWE RAW

December 16th, 2002

Match #1
Test & Trish Stratus --vs-- Steven Richards & Victoria
Hey kids, it’s the 2\3 reunification of T&A! Now, if we could just get (g)A(y)-Train back, the sucktitude reunion would be complete. Trish pulls off some wacky moves in the start, since it was becoming pretty obvious that her improvement had plateaued. Victoria hits some AWESOME moves. This woman is turning into a female Benoit. Sorry Chris, but I’d rather look at her breasts and see her wear a thong more than you. Benoit’s going to come kick my ass now, but that’s fine. He’s Benoit. Test and Steven are actually cranking up the workrate here and the crowd responds. Holy mother of God, TEST IS GETTING A RESPONSE. Stacy shows her thong-clad hiney to Steven, Steven chases, and Test kicks the hell out of his face to a HUGE pop at 4:05. Hot opener. Test was getting BIG responses here. See what happens when you up your workrate, kids? **
Winners: Test & Trish Stratus

Elsewhere, HHH writes in some more self-fellatio as Bischoff verbally rides him off camera. Bischoff and High Chief Peter Maivia Morley have a conflict. Apparently, Morley gave the main event to Scott Steiner's contract signing while Bischoff wanted to make tonight TRIPLE H APPRECIATION NIGHT. Hear that sound? It's the sound of John Madden suddently appearing on everyone's T.V. BOOM! What are we supposed to be appreciating about HHH? The only thing I appreciate about HHH is his massive ability to be a boring piece of trash nowadays which makes everyone else better by default. And that includes Justin Credible. Thanks, H. Moron.

Elsewhere, the NEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW World Tag Team Champions Booker T. and Goldy-Claus meet up. Goldy reaches into his SACK and pulls out the tag team gold. But Ebenezier Christian is all like "FUCK CHRISTMAS SPIRIT" and says that him and Jericho are getting their rematch next week. Goldy though didn't get the mood killed for him, and presents Christian with extra strength asscream, with 35% more ass! Goldust is currently the damn MVP of RAW, he's got me unable to breathe due to laughing so hard. Another recapper out there won't allow himself to breathe because the FAT has clogged him up so bad that he might die if he laughs. Stay in shape kids. Don't write shitty books either.

Match #2
Maven --vs-- Christopher Nowinski
This was the match that was suddenly added to Armageddon and then dropped faster than Stephanie McMahon's pants in the WWE locker room. So we get the battle of the Tough Enough alumni here TONIGHT. And it's apparent the choice they made on the winner of TE1 was dead-ass wrong in this match. Maven SUCKS. Nowinski has such a great look, and his work is very solid. Maven can't even throw a fucking punch right without looking like a retarded Derek Jeter. Nowinski wins by pulling the tights of Maven at 4:59, and hopefully, Nowinski can move on to better things. Not as good as the first match, but certainly not bad. Maven was carried though. *
Winner: Christopher Nowinski

Shawn Michaels comes out to let us know that the Heartbreak Kid is alive and well. Well, I guess that doesn't mean shit since the Heartbreak Kid LOST last night. Michaels calls out HHH because it's apparent that this show is great so far and we need to dumb it down to make the Game happy. Jericho comes down and proceeds to rip apart HBK good. This has to be the most compelling 15 minute promo I've seen in a very long time, and it's all Jericho on this one. HBK just stands there taking his verbal assraping by Jericho and then just kicks him and kills the heat Jericho generated just like that. Great promo, should have had a different ending though. This could be a good rub for Jericho if he'd actually GO OVER. But maybe HHH is sending his buddies to hold down Jericho since he's busy with the ENTIRE RAW roster. Bring on Jericho\Nash!

Match #3
Goldust --vs-- Christian
Good pop for Goldust, because he kicks ass and everything. Christian's entrance just isn't the same with out the waterfall pyro. Ok WWE, we get it. He looks funny without the mesh shirt. Just give him back his damn pyro. Match flows along smoothly with Goldust hitting some nice stuff and a great powerslam to boot. Goldust has gotten so good since his return last year at the Royal Rumble, which I can proudly flaunt the fact that I was at. Although I abruptly ended all my picture taking fun when HHH won the Rumble and I proceeded to kick the shit out of a waitress at the Waffle House afterwords. Damn that piece of shit Glass Ceiling. Christian gets the win after rolling up 'Dust with his feet on the ropes at 3:46. Because ALL heels must cheat. Not just Guerreros. Should have been longer, but not bad by any means. **
Winner: Christian

Elsewhere, Eric lubes up the verbal ass as he prepares to verbally ride HHH again. Calls him the best ever, yadda ydda STOP WITH THE BULLSHIT. Bischoff wants to go on and get the ceremony over with but Triple H is SO FUCKING SMART he sees through Bischoff's talking and then, oh man, he threatens to pull a Steve Austin and walk out if they let Steiner have the main event moment. PLEASE PLEASE GO HOME. FOR THE LOVE OF HH---erm, GOD, GO HOME. Ugh, don't fucking tease me like that. I think I actually got a boner from the thought of Triple H away for, oh what's it been now, 6 months. Nah, no boner, just ass pain.

Elsewhere, Ric Flair tells the sucky Samoan wrestlers to follow the lead of the sucky roided wrestler. Um, whoooo?

Elsewhere, Sean Morley and Terri meet outside. In the back of Morley's mind he's thinking, "Bwahahaha, I made a porno with this woman and showed Dustin Rhodes on national t.v., and this stupid broad doesn't even remember." Sure enough, McRibs doesn't remember a damn thing and Morley tells her to inform him when Steiner arrives.

Elsewhere, RVD and Kane are standing by with The Coach. Kane talks and RVD translates. Kane gets all pissed and proclaims he doesn't like being mocked. Hmmm, that's pretty hypocritical for someone who was mocking Morley the week before. Coach then breaks out in a rendition of "It's A Small World." Kane goes ballistic and RVD helps up Coach and wonders out loud what he was smoking and then he wondered in his head where the hell he could get his hands on some.

Match #4
Handicap Match
Rob Van Dam & Kane --vs-- 3 Minute Warning & Batista
Now, why the hell couldn't they have put this on the PPV for the poor saps that bought the show and saved the Kane\Batista abomination for tonight? When nobody would be pissed off that they wasted $35 on that match? That certainly had the Christmas spirit, I mean, we have a red Kane and a GREEN Batista. But we better not be calling Batista green around RVD, because then he'd roll Batista up in a white bedsheet and then light his head on fire. Rico is not here because he's got the flu. Don't worry Rico, it happens to everybodu who gets a huge clean win over Ric Flair and then gets jobbed out like usual every damn week thereafter. Anyways, Flair and Batista get all pissed off when the Samoan Lard Boys don't tag him in, and they are left to die at the hands of Itchy and Scratchy at 4:51. Oh well, at least there wasn't a Canadian Lard Boy involved. *
Winners: Rob Van Dam & Kane

Match #5
Lance Storm & William Regal --vs-- The Dudley Boys
This feud is going to set the world on fire, YOU WATCH. Apparently, we are supposed to care that Regal and Storm are on some 7 match RAW win streak. WWE acting like RAW is important and means anything. Oh man, that's almost funnier than Goldust tonight. ALMOST. Regal breaks out the Power Of The Bore on Bubba and gets the win at 5:12. Regal's had a fucking brass knuckle gimmick for like a YEAR now. KILL it. **
Winners: Lance Storm & William Regal

RAW RETRO: Mankind, with the help of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, defeats The Rock on January 4, 1999. Man, remember when main events used to be ACTUAL MATCHES?

Match #6
Jeff Hardy --vs-- D'Lo Brown
Wow, D'Lo is the king of getting Heat programs converted to RAW. Crowd is confused how to react to D'Lo, because nobody fucking watches Heat. Jeff actually hits the railrunner for once, D'Lo keeps saying something like, "You're the reason..." I agree. I have no idea what the hell D'Lo was saying, but regardless, fuck you Jeff. Fag. Hardy hits the swanton on D'Lo and gets the 3 count at 3:28 despite D'Lo's foot being on the bottom rope. I guess the bottom rope doesn't give a fuck about D'Lo either. **
Winner: Jeff Hardy

Elsewhere, Flair grows some nuts and talks shit to Steiner. Steiner goes into mini-roid rage and pins Flair against a wall in retaliation.

Elsewhere, the referee comes to apologize to D'Lo about missing the call, but D'Lo accuses him of racism. Oh for FUCK'S sake not again. Let me guess D'Lo...you did it for The Rock?

Elsewhere, it looks like Test is the new spokesperson for BOD bodyspray. Bodyspray is for homosexual men. Yep, Test is PERFECT for the job. Test and Stacy walk away while motherfucking RAVEN (!!!!) appears lurking behind the truck, watching. It's about damn time he was brought back to RAW.

Match #7
Chris Jericho --vs-- Booker T.
Earl Hebner's the ref, so you KNOW this is the REAL main event. Fuck that interview shit, it's not a main event without Earl Hebner. The match flows together nicely until all the dumbass run-ins start and the DQ calls for the finish at 6:03. That time is only a guesstimate because Hebner FUCKED UP and didn't call for the bell. HEBNER SCREWED HEBNER. ** Would have been *** if it weren't for the lame ass shit finish.
Winner: Booker T. by DQ

Elsewhere, Morley catches up with Steiner. Wow, that McRibs sure was late with her information. Steiner humors Morley so he'll leave him the fuck alone, but WE knows what really is going down. It's not going to be Triple H Appreciation Night, it's going to be Speech Therapy Night. *sigh* Time to pop the caffiene pills.

MAIN EVENT ANGLE TIME!!! I can hear the remotes clicking ALL across America. Eric Bischoff and Chief Morely come out to climax the verbal blow job started earlier. HHH comes out, and we get a HHH video themed to some band with a dead guy. How appropriate. A dead singer for a dead career. Althought I'd much rather HHH be dead than the Drowning Pool guy. HHH proceeds to completely kill the steam this great RAW built up, and me makes sure to completely bury EVERYONE in the process. He gets in some childish jabs at The Rock for making movies. Yeah, HHH, we DO know why he's making movies. Because he has this thing called TALENT, something your crippled ass doesn't have anymore. Steiner comes out, signs the contract, and Bischoff announces Steiner vs. HHH for the Royal Rumble, Syringe On A Pole stipulation is only a rumor at this moment. WHOA WHOA WHOA...WHOA. The night after a PPV and we ALREADY have a match for the next PPV set? Could it be...LONG TERM BOOKING? Anyways Steiner makes HHH his bitch and punks him out. This feud will be interesting because, unlike RVD, Jericho, and Bubba Ray, this is Scott F'N Steiner and you do NOT fuck with him behind the scenes. Steiner will legitimately kick your ass if you try and play games with him, and here's to hoping that HHH is the guy he snaps on and kills. But if Steiner doesn't kill him, you can damn sure bet he's going to rape Stephanie. Steiner sends a great message out there for all those with speech impediments: Take loads of steroids and everyone will be too damn scared to point it out.

ALL IN ALL...fun show. Wrestling was damn good, and the show's storylines overall made sense. I was happy to see that Raven is back in the thick of things, and that we already have a PPV match made for the Rumble. Seems like WWE did something unorthodox for them: learned from their mistakes. Show was fantastic until Triple H came out and completely put everyone to sleep. Seriously, Vince needs to get fucking control of his company back from this has-been piece of shit and his retarded, getting-porky daughter. Great show, other than HHH's usual dumbass crap. I love being American and thin.

S_D

©WrestlingDB, 2002.

Last Edited: Tuesday, December 17th, 2002 - 04:26 am EST