Recap by S_D

Well, we made it through another year. Let's hope WWE in 2003 won't suck as bad as the past two years have.
----
ANGER MANAGEMENT

January 2, 2003

LIVE from Albuquerque, New Mexico @ The Tingley Coliseum

A video montage is shown of Brock Lesnar, who will be returning to the ring...tonight.

Another video montage is shown hyping the wedding of Al Wilson and Dawn Marie. I've got the NoDoz ready, just in case.

WWE SmackDown Opening Video

Match #1
John Cena vs. Rikishi
Is this feud ever going to end? Just put Cena over and move him on to something else. Please. B-2 is with Cena. Cena comes out and busts a groove while busting on Rikishi and his, well, weight. Cena is so talented that he makes this looks good. It reminds me of Wayne Ferris as the Honky Tonk Man. An Elvis impersonator gimmick in the 80s was just screaming for disaster, but Ferris was so talented that he made it work. Cena follows the same formula. And Bull Buchanan is good until he opens his mouth, which he doesn't do much of except for occassional Boo-Yahs. So that's another plus. But hey, if Master P can be a rapper with that southern drawl of his, why not Bull? Rikishi attacks Cena before the bell, starting the match. We find out that later tonight, Team Angle will be debuting as Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas take on Chris Benoit & a mystery partner of his choosing. Also, next week on SmackDown!, the 15 entrants into the 2003 Royal Rumble will be announced. B-2 gets thrown in and attacked by Rikishi, and Cena capitalizes and gets the clean (!) roll-up victory at 3:53. Sort of an odd finish, that I'm pretty sure was supposed to end up with Cena hitting Rikishi with the chain after he shoved the referee. Instead, he did nothing and it looked quite odd. I'm already missing post-produced shows. Now, push Cena. 1/2*
Winner: John Cena via Pinfall

Rikishi chases B-2 and Cena out through the crowd when "Here Comes The Bride" plays and out comes Dawn Marie in the wedding dress. She tells us not to get used to it too much, because when she marries Al Wilson, she's going to do it completely naked. There is absolutely no response whatsoever to this announcement, as even the casual fans are now smartened up enough to know this will not happen considering all the other things in WWE history that involved nudity that always ended up having a bait-and-switch payoff.

SmackDown! General Manager Stephanie McMahon is shown walking backstage and enters the "Bridal Suite" of Dawn Marie. If that's a suite, I dare to wonder what the Tingley Coliseum's regular locker rooms look like. Stephanie says Dawn had better keep her wedding dress on, or she will face "serious reprocussions." Because there's only one woman in the WWE that's allowed to show nipples during a wedding ceremony, and Steph doesn't want to share the honor.

Match #2
Chuck Palumbo vs. Bill DeMott
Amazing what that last wedding did for Chuck Palumbo's career, isn't it? He went from getting national media coverage to not even being important enough to warrant an arena entrance on T.V. Yes, when they cut back from the Dawn\Steph segment, Palumbo was already in the ring. This is being billed as DeMott's first match against an opponent his size. It's classic WCW 2000 M.I.A. vs. Natural Born Thrillaz here as DeMott and Palumbo are being really stiff with each other, which is never a bad thing unless someone gets hurt. The live crowd was actually getting into Palumbo during his failed comeback, which I found to be interesting. Maybe DeMott really is getting over as a heel. DeMott hits an Inverted DDT (Scorpion Death Drop, Slop Drop) for the duke at 3:52. A lot weaker finisher than the No Laughing Matter, but I guess Bill is trying to preserve what's left in those knees, which is very admirable. Guys like DeMott and Cena are the reason we need the mid-card titles back. Immediately. 3\4*
Winner: Bill Demott via Pinfall

A series of clips of The Undertaker pre-motorcycle days are shown with his 1998-era theme music being played. A statement then creeps on the screen that says, "Darkness consumes the light and beckons his return. The Dead Man walks again." It's followed by the Royal Rumble logo, so I guess it's a safe bet UT is returning to the "Lord of Darkness" character at the Rumble as his career winds down to its final stretch. Maybe this time around, Jackie Gayda will eliminate him and UT will cut her open, drink her blood, and proclaim her as "Mideon".

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Billy Kidman walks backstage, as we find out that later tonight he will take on WWE Tag Team Champion co-holder Eddie Guerrero. Kidman meets up with his real-life fiance` Torrie Wilson and proceeds to cheer up Torrie by doing an impersonation of how the wedding will turn out. Kidman? Charisma? Well, smack me in the face, he found some, albeit little.

Josh Mathews is backstage with Team Angle, along with WWE Champion Kurt Angle still on crutches. Angle talks about how Chris Benoit should be worried sick and how he has no chance at the Royal Rumble to win the WWE Title. Angle then cuts a fantastic promo on how the marquee says "Wrestling". After going over the attributes of Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin, he proclaims that the name of the game is wrestling, not entertainment. And wrestling is what they do best. Great stuff. Now, if only the television writers had that concept.

Royal Rumble promo is shown hyping Triple H vs. Scott Steiner with absolutely zero mention of Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit. Oh well, maybe South Park's theory that Cripple Fights = huge crowd will work again. But I'd much rather see Timmy vs. Jimmy for the World Heavyweight Title, personally.

Match #3
Non-Title Match
Eddie Guerrero vs. Billy Kidman
Chavo is with Uncle Eddie. Eddie's mullet is gone and now his hair matches that of his nephew. That's going to take a while to get used to. The fans are finally starting to respond to Kidman despite the crappy music which doesn't fit him at all, and that's...a good thing. In the first couple minutes of the match, B-2 and John Cena come out and Cena raps and cuts a really racism-laced rap on Eddie and Chavo. He told Eddie and Chavo he would send them back selling tacos. And would shred their green cards. Ouchies, YO. B-2 and Chavo fight in the ring, and Rikishi makes the save while referees flood the ring to break up the crap. The match is still going on, by the way. This is so ECW. Commercial Break. Chavo, Rikishi, and B-2 are sent away from ringside. Cena remains and is on headset now. Guerrero nails Kidman with a Gory Special into Splash Mountain. Cena and Cole go into a great exchange which ends up with Cole breaking character and laughing briefly due to Cena's rapping hilarity. Kidman nails Eddie with the You-Can't-Powerbomb-Kidman and hits a crossbody for 2. Good Lord, Cena is hilarous. He's rhyming everything that comes out of his farkin' mouth. Eddie and Kidman knock noggins, and Cena sees his chance to nail Eddie with a chain-wrapped fist. Kidman capitalizes on this lucky twist of fate and nails the Shooting Star Press for the 1-2-3 at 13:29. Looks like The Guerreros are being turned face for a feud with Cena & B-2. Should be interesting to see how much Eddie and Chavo can carry Buchanan. And, unless the WWE fans are total nimrods, The Guerreros should be pretty hot as faces. **½
Winner: Billy Kidman via Pinfall

The wedding is coming up next. D-VON! GET THE CAFFIENE PILLS!

Promo for the RAW 10th Anniversary show in two weeks with the question "Who is the greatest wrestler in the history of RAW?" If you answered anyone other than Triple H, you're going to be disappointed. HHH is going to be up all night with Steph when that choice has to be made. What? You thought they actually look at the votes?

More Lesnar hype for tonight.

Wedding set up in the ring. We then proceed to go over this entire (!) moronic saga, including the incredibly awful HLA stuff. The pillows and the bed are calling my name. Apparently, the WCW prop closet was part of the March 2001 purchase as it seems Al Wilson went through and found one of Mike Awesome's "That 70's Guy" suits. Cole and Tazz are in full-comedy mode, which will effectively make it less painful, albeit just a little. The non-Bischoff Justice of the Peace looks like a slimmer version of John "Big" Gaburick and sounds like Rico hopped up on helium. Dawn objects...to being clothed. Dawn then smartly points out that even though Stephanie said the bride couldn't be naked, she didn't say anything about the groom. Oh my God in Heaven, no. Dawn proceeds to strip Al down to his skivvies. By the way, we are live. Seriously, what the heck am I watching? Someone needs to lock the WWE writers into a room and play Kurt Angle's "It says wrestling on the marquee" promo 10,000 times. Jesus Christ, Al Wilson is aroused. This is where I'm REALLY missing the post-production. Tazz says it best when he says, "This is touching if you are an armadillo." And the first wedding in WWE history that actually takes place occurs tonight. I'm surprised no one is playing up the ironic fact that Dawn Marie is now Torrie Wilson's stepmother in storylines, but I guess they are so embarassed by the angle that they don't even bother to try and salvage it. This segment was so unearthly bad. What the heck was going on in Vince's warped head when he thought this up?

Team Angle is shown walking to ring. Anything remotely good following that last segment is going to get a favorable reaction from me and from any fan who's not an idiot.

Match #4
Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas vs. Chris Benoit & Edge
Benoit's mystery partner is...Edge. Angle is with Shelton and Haas. Looks very promising. Edge and Benoit are massively over with the crowd in Albuquerque. I'm anxious to see how Charlie and Shelton fair in their first major WWE T.V. outing. Shelton's been on Heat a handful of times (and even had his own titantron and theme for half of those appearences), but Cole seemingly forgets. Tazz decides to run into history and remind everyone of Kurt Angle's 3 I's which haven't been stated in a long long time. Haas puts a very very nice variation of Jamie Noble's Trailer Hitch on Edge before Benoit quickly breaks it up. In a very cool spot, Edge and Benoit hit synchronized Triple German Suplexes on Haas and Benjamin, respectively. Benoit gets the Crippler Crossface on Benjamin before Angle runs in and nails Benoit with the WWE Title for the stupid DQ finish at 7:09. In the post-match fun, Haas grabs one of Kurt's crutches and nails Edge in the throat with it. Kurt apparently didn't like Tony Chimel's call, so he manhandles him into the ring and chokes him with the crutch until Chimel calls Team Angle the winners. Angle then nails Chimel with the crutch for good measure. **1\4
Winners: Chris Benoit & Edge via DQ

We come back from commercial to see Paul Heyman standing in the ring. He praises Team Angle and then introduces the reason he claims that everyone is watching the show, The Big Show. The only reason anyone would want to watch Big Show is if they were feeling self-conscious about their body and needed an esteem boost. Heyman proceeds to give Big Show a verbal blow job. A challenge is made to Brock Lesnar on behalf of The Big Show to a match at the Royal Rumble where the winner will be allowed to enter the Rumble match. Heyman gives us every detail of how Lesnar is afraid of Show. Heyman reminds us of his claim that Lesnar can't beat the Big Show, which of course triggers Lesnar to come out to the ring. Lesnar walks slowly, which gives a chance for Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore to attack with chairs. Matt accidentally potatoed Brock with the chair and the back of Lesnar's head is completely split open. Lesnar clears the ring.

Cole & Tazz announce that during the break, Lesnar accepted Big Show's challenge for the Rumble.

Funaki catches up with the new Mr. & Mrs. Al Wilson and asks then what's next. They say that they have a video camera and will be sending up live updates of their honeymoon next week for everyone to watch. Someone give me a gun. Now. And wait, live updates on a taped show?

Match #5
Nunzio vs. Crash
Jamie Noble and Nidia are with Nunzio. Josh Mathews is taking over ring announcing duties for Chimel, who was attacked by Angle of course. Nunzio attacks before the bell, but Crash responds swiftly. Guido totally works Crash's arm and hits a Single Arm Tornado DDT for the bona fide squash at 1:53. Psychology was there, match length wasn't. So, are we EVER going to find out why Nidia was so unsupportive of Noble bringing in Nunzio? Or will we just add it to the mile-long list of dropped, unfinished storylines that occured since Stephanie McMahon became head of the writing team? 1\4*
Winner: Nunzio via Pinfall

Recap of the earlier Lesnar\Heyman's clients altercation.

Smackdown is now institutionalizing TNA's idea of issuing a "Tale Of The Tape" for the main event. Very nice touch.

Matt Hardy is backstage with his #1 MFer Shannon Moore. Matt tells Shannon to lead by the example he set tonight and they leave for the ring.

Match #6
Brock Lesnar vs. Matt Hardy
Brock comes out still dressed in his street clothes. Today's Matt Fact: Matt Always Stays Up Until Sunrise On New Year's. Shannon is with Matt. Looks like Lesnar is returning the favor for Matt's potato chairshot by being incredibly stiff with him. Moore gets tossed in and gets F5'ed for his troubles. Matt hits the Twist Of Fate for only 2. Matt goes for it again, and Lesnar counters into an F5, see ya later, at 4:33. Brock's got blood all over his head. *½ Heyman and Big Show come out afterwords and Lesnar makes an example of Matt by F5'ing him again. Staredown ends the show.
Winner: Brock Lesnar via Pinfall

Well, this show was largely based on RAW's formula of more entertainment, less wrestling and we know how awesome RAW is right now. Pretty much a garbage show with no good wrestling to note due to the matches being way too short to be anything good. This Dawn\Al stuff is absolutely brutal and needs to be stopped immediately. I don't watch SmackDown! to see a 61 year old man get an erection in tighty whiteys. Oh well, I guess I better shut up. After all, that main event could have very easily been Brock vs. A-Train instead.

S_D

©2003, WrestlingDB.

Last Edited: Tuesday, January 7th, 2003 - 06:49 pm EST