Recap by S_D

I had my first day back at college today, and so I'm mad. This so better not suck.
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ANGER MANAGEMENT

WWE RAW

January 6th, 2003

LIVE from Phoenix, Arizona @ The America West Arena

Recaps of the past weeks of interaction between Triple H and Scott Steiner.

RAW Intro

Match #1
No Disqualification Handicap Match
The Dudley Boys vs. 3 Minute Warning, Rico, & Batista
The Dudleys' entrance takes the place of the opening RAW pyro. We find out that tonight, Scott Steiner and Triple H will take part in a Pose Down Challenge. What's that sound I now hear? Ah yes, it's television remotes being clicked over to Joe Millionaire. Bischoff comes out and mandates that some attitude changes will take place. Recap is shown of The Dudleys helping J.R. & Lawler beat Storm and Regal. It should be noted that J.R. is now 2-0 in his wrestling career. This will be the "Year of Eric Bischoff" supposedly, so expect WWE to lose $80 million. Bischoff introduced 3MW, Rico, and Batista. Batista will be one of the 15 RAW entrants into the Royal Rumble. The match is basically a looooooong squash as the Dudleys get zero offense. Hey, remember on the last RAW when Batista walked out on 3MW during their match against Kane & Rob Van Dam? And remember when 3MW teased a breakup? And remember when Batista and D-Von used to be friends\enemies? 3, count them, 3 storylines forgotten in the span of one segment. 2003 is not looking good. The match part of the pain ends at 4:28 after Batista hits D-Von with his Sitout Powerbomb. Bleh. The beatdown continues. Bischoff slaps D-Von then we fade into commercial. NULL
Winners: 3 Minute Warning, Rico, & Batista via pinfall

We come back from the break to see Lance Storm & William Regal at the commentator table talking trash to J.R. & Lawler. They b-line to the ring and throw their names into the "Guys That Beat The Crap Out Of The Dudleys Tonight" hat. Regal hits Bubba with the Knux and Storm applies the sharpshooter on D-Von and they leave. The replay accidentally catches Bubba blading. Oops. That was unexciting at its best.

Triple H is backstage doing his Lex Luger impersonation and flashes his boobs to the mirror. Flair comes in and blows off HHH verbally. HHH then shows us that he was in Flex magazine. Ooohhh. Steiner comes in and basic tells HHH to STFU and that he owns HHH tonight and at the Rumble.

Horseface Jacqueline walks backstage and gets Trish in preparation for their upcoming tag team match against Victoria and Molly. They remembered Molly existed? Admirable.

This week on Confidential: Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, and Tully Blanchard (!) join "Mean" Gene Okerlund in-studio to talk about the history of the most legendary group in sports entertainment, The 4 Horsemen. As Gene said on Saturday, set your VCR. Rumor has it that Ole Anderson couldn't be contacted because he went bankrupt and homeless due to his failed investments into those voice changer thingies. Because as his WCW booking run showed, he loved them. A little too much.

Tonight's main event will be Kane & Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho & Christian. And why do these two teams give a crap about each other, let alone face each other in the main event?

Match #2
Trish Stratus & Jacqueline vs. Victoria & Molly Holly
Horseface Jacqueline still gets no pop whatsoever. I think it's time to give her a slip that matches the color of her ring attire tonight. Molly's got new blue velvet pants which make me go, "Yum". Steven Richards is with Victoria & Molly. Molly sure isn't wearing the granny panties tonight, and that makes me go, "Yum" even more. Typical divas crap, and I think we all know what typical divas crap is nowadays. Trish gets a reverse roll up on Victoria, but with the referee distracted, Richards comes in and piefaces Trish back, which allows the Women's Champion to get the pinfall with a handful of thong at 3:05. More bleh. 15 minutes dedicated to the Dudley Boys getting beat up, a HHH promo, and a divas match? I think I'm dozing off. 1\4*
Winners: Victoria & Molly Holly via pinfall

Terri McRibs is backstage with World Tag Team Champions Booker T. & Goldust. It's always fun to have Goldust and Terri in the same shot, and Goldust apparently thinks the same. Booker revives the "He didn't just say that..." line. Mr. T claims that if this is the year of Bischoff, then we are in trouble. Look at the bright side, at least it's not the Year of Stephanie McMahon. Bischoff was watching the whole time and apparently didn't like Booker's history lesson of 2002's not-so-good moments for Eric, so he puts BookDust in a World Tag Team Title match against Lance Storm & William Regal.

Chris Jericho and his beard come out to chat with us. Jericho says he has a dream of getting his World Title back. Yeah, good luck on tHHHat one, Chris. But Jericho says it's all about being the best, and he doesn't need the World Heavyweight Title to do that. A new tagline is created as Jericho says he is "The Highlight Of The Night". Jericho declares he is an official entrant into the 2k3 Royal Rumble. As Jericho starts his next sentence, Mr. Michaels comes out. HBK tries to trick Jericho into making himself the #1 entrant into the Rumble. Jericho exposes HBK for what he's really doing, and that is reminding everybody that Shawn was the only person to be #1 and win. HBK's story is so chopped up and exaggerated he's starting to sound like Hogan. First off, HBK neglects to mention how in the 1995 Royal Rumble, thanks to the extremely long Bret Hart\Diesel title match, the entrant intervals in the Rumble had to be decreased from 2 minutes to 1 minute. So that means this "full hour" was really only about 33-35 minutes. HBK also conveniently forgets that he actually lost his first WM title shot against Diesel at WM11 and had to come back and win the Rumble next year (where he was only a measly #22) to win at WM12 against Bret. Good job, HBK, but you'll never be able to fool me. HBK then reveals that he's also in the Royal Rumble. Shawn's really tempting fate here, since we know what PPV HBK got his huge back injury at. Jericho doesn't want to wait for the Rumble and wants to go now. But before anything can get started....IT'S AN RNN NEWS UPDATE!! AND IT'S A LIVE IN-ARENA UPDATE!! Randy Orton is here! Who cares if HBK is in the Rumble, his shoulder mobility is up to 93%! Just as Orton is proving that microphone skills can be improved drastically over time, HBK clocks him. Jericho assists Orton and it's 2 on 1. RVD comes out to make the save, then Christian, then Kane. Orton was wrestling Christian when he got the injury and no mention of that either. The faces clear the ring. Good segment.

Match #3
World Tag Team Championship
Booker T. & Goldust (c) vs. Lance Storm & William Regal
BookDust didn't sound too inspired during their promo and their entrance seemed rather forced, so I'm not having a good feeling about this. The tag title graphic is STILL outdated, and they've had new belts for 3 months now. Get with it, WWE. 6 minutes in, Regal kicks the referee while he's counting and there was no DQ called. J.R. gets the egg on his face, as when he says, "the referee is motionless" Charles Robinson moves. Commercial break run-in. We come back an Storm is beating down Booker in the corner. Apparently, during the break, Chief Sean Morley comes out and is the new referee. Booker hits the BookEnd, but there's no referee since Booker accidentally axe kicked Morley. Nick Patrick runs out, but only for two. What is it about the referee shirt that makes simple things hurt a lot more? Morley gets side kicked, and he's out for 5 minutes. Axe kick by Booker on Storm, but Morley pulls out Patrick at 2. Regal goes brass knuckles crazy, and Storm gets the pin on Booker and the World Tag Team Titles at 14:15. The match was fine, but this booking decision is not. BookDust has been crazy over for the better part of a year now, and they (and their fans) are rewarded with a 3 week title reign? And don't get me wrong. I like Storm. I like Regal. But I don't like Storm AND Regal. Their styles just don't mesh well enough to be a believable tag team. But J.R. thinks the team is one big hoss, so what I think doesn't matter I guess. **
Winners and NEW World Tag Team Champions: Lance Storm & William Regal via pinfall

Backstage, the new World Tag Team Champions are celebrating with G.M. Eric Bischoff and Chief Morely. And somewhere, HHH is as well.

RAW RETRO: December 8, 1997. Marc Mero introduces the "new" Sable in an Idaho potato sack. Get it? I-Da-Ho? That wacky Russo. Mero asks to be disrobed and instead, Sable disrobes herself while Tom "You're A Jobber" Brandi gets a woody. For those of you that don't remember, Mero actually called Brandi "a jobber" on an edition of RAW during their very brief feud. Mero was really good at the abusive male antagonist and was doing a fantastic job stepping out of the Johnny B. Badd shadow, but it's just a shame his ringwork was never the same after his ACL tear. Mero had to seriously tone it down with all the high flying stuff. He couldn't ever adapt to working more mat-style wrestling since all he ever did best was high-flying, and it ultimately led to his exile from WWE and wrestling altogether.

In 8 days, it's RAW 10th Anniversary show. Looks like it's going to be taking on a Slammy theme.

Match #4
Test vs. Christopher Nowinski
Stacy Keibler is with Test. D'Lo is with Nowinski, and he's now dressing like a prep. D'Lo went from being Konnan's twin brother, to this? What happened to that huge pop Test got during the taped RAW? I bet Test is missing that post-production more than I am. D'Lo constantly interferes and constantly gets beat up. Keibler tries to start a "Test-Ti-Cles" chant and fails miserably. Test rolls the dice at 2:03 for the win. 1\4* D'Lo beats the crap out of Test post match. Ick.
Winner: Test via pinfall

Royal Rumble promo. Still, no mention of Angle\Benoit.

J.R. announces that Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton will be in the corners of their affiliated friends.

Christian meets up with Jericho and Christian is now in the Rumble. Jericho and Christian proceed to have a very funny interplay which can only be captured with a word-for-word documentation.
(Chris Jericho) Christian, I was the very first Undisputed Champion! I'm going to win the Royal Rumble!
(Christian) So what? I've held every title there is to hold except the World Title and I want it.
(Chris Jericho) I'm a 3-Time Tag Team Champion.
(Christian) Well I'm a 9-Time Tag Team Champion.
(Chris Jericho) Well you're a 9-Time loser.
(Christian) Well your beard is stupid.
(Chris Jericho) Well your tattoo doesn't look like anything; it's a blotch of ink.
(Christian) Oh yeah, well...at least Shawn Michaels didn't kick my face off.
At this point, Orton comes in and calms the storm and admires himself in the mirror. Orton is great.

J.R. and Lawler show us the July 2000 edition of Ironman magazine, in which at-the-time WCW United States Champion Scott Steiner was on the cover. Whoopdee.

Hooray, the same recap we saw earlier of the arm wrestling garbage. This show sucks.

HHH plays in the mirror some more. Give me a gun. Now.

Scott Steiner plays the mirror too. Honestly, what makes WWE think anyone cares about roidmonkeys showing off their artificial muscles? J.R.'s been hyping this like it's some huge event, which it clearly is not.

It's time for the Bore Down as HHH comes out, complete with what has become the most boring entrance in WWE. Why don't we just drag out every bad idea from the 80s? The reason for this segment is so obvious, since it's well documented that HHH is a mark for those bodybuilding shows in real life. HHH cuts his usual, sleep-inducing promo of the week. He picks out 6 "totally random" guys from the audience to judge. They are so random, they were all sitting right next to each other. HHH explains the rules in only the way he can; boringly. Steiner comes out. HHH has so much of that asinine fake tan stuff on he looks like he hit a reverse process of what Michael Jackson did. This has to be one of the most boring segments ever. HHH proceeds to to talk EVEN MORE. Now it becomes an argument about push-ups. You know, I really don't have to recap this crap, but I like for the readers to have yet another perspective on shows to read, so I am. As the push-ups commence, the 6 judges all pop up and attack Steiner briefly before Steiner beats the crap out of them. I cannot believe this segment got 18 MINUTES to play out, which in term leaves less than half that time for the main event. One of the most boring 15+ minute segments in the history of RAW.

Match #5
Chris Jericho & Christian vs. Rob Van Dam & Kane 39:43 46:53
Orton is with Jericho & Christian. HBK is with RVD & Kane. Of course, HBK needs his own entrance even though he isn't in the match. Typical tag team match that isn't worth my finger energy. Kane chokeslams Christian, RVD hits the 5 star, goodbye at 8:10. **1\4
Winners: Rob Van Dam & Kane via pinfall

We go backstage to see Bischoff, Morley, and the new World Tag Team Champions together again. Bischoff decrees that next week, William Regal will wrestle Jerry Lawler. Just as Bischoff says he feels like he's in charge of RAW, his phone rings. It's Vince McMahon's secretary and she tells The Bisch that Vince will be on RAW next week. Because Lord knows we've never seen that before and it's such a shock to think about. And what kind of ridiculous job requires you to still be at secretarial work at 11:05pm?

ALL IN ALL a very crappy show that overall sucked more than a porn star. Dedicating 15 minutes to the Dudleys getting beat up, 18 minutes to an incredibly stupid segment made only for HHH to live his dreams of being a real bodybuilder, lackluster matches, and stupid booking decisions all contribute for the thumb going way down. If this is the precursor as to what we can expect from RAW in 2003, things are not looking good. At all.