Humor by S_D

This is how I envision the just-announced Triple H vs. Scott Steiner re-match at WWE No Way Out 2003. Or better yet, this is what I wish would happen, if Royal Rumble was any indication of this next match.

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After we get done sweeping the crap that was pelted into the ring after the debacle that was Rock\Hogan 2, a shocking occurance takes place. In WWE's never-ending attempts to emulate WCW, Michael Buffer comes out to the ring to announce the main event of the night.

But before Buffer can earn his money for the night, Triple H's theme music (IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GLASS, AND HOW YOU SHINE IT WITH JERICHO'S FACE) plays and he comes out dressed up in street clothes and his one crutch. Triple H, obviously not in the condition to wrestle (but of course still in condition to bore the shit out of everyone with his 1:45 entrance, complete with sperm spit simulation), hands Buffer a piece of paper, points up to the ceiling, and quietly leaves the ringside area.

The sirens hit and Steiner comes out. "Introducing first, the challenger! From Detroit, Michigan, weighing in at 255 pounds, wearing black with red trim and the muscle outfit from 'Weird' Al Yankovic's "U.H.F.", he is the genetic freak! Freakzilla! The man who doesn't know when enough is enough and refuse to take the syringe out of his ass! "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner!"

As Steiner continues to tease the bursting of his zit-like roided arms, Cripple H (how many fucking injuries does this guy get anyways) comes back out with some bad news for Scott Steiner.

"You see Scott, due to the fact that I got injured on RAW thanks to Rob Van Dam's inability to work the WWE Main Event Style---it sure as hell wasn't anything I did or the fact that my body is a fragile piece of shit, oh no---Dr. Mario told me while I was playing HIS GAME-UHHH that the big testicle-like mass in my leg--hey, maybe that's where my balls went---will keep me from stinking up the joint tonight. But, Scott Steiner...DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM? I'M TRIPLE H! I'M THE GAME-UHHHHH! I DON'T BACK DOWN FROM ANYTHING! AND TONIGHT, I WILL FIGHT!! But you see Scott, me and you have engaged in a lot of pointless side-shows. A posedown, an arm wrestling contest, a bench press contest, but there's one thing we never got to do. And with that, I would like Michael Buffer to introduce YOUR substitute opponent!"

On that cue, a black podium begins to lower from the ceiling. The podium has something covered in a black sheet. Buffer begins, "And introducing, the substitute opponent. From Chicago, Illinois! Weighing in at a MASSIVE YET LEAN AND MEAN 1,157 pounds! Wearing red with gold trim, he is considered the benchmark for fighting in the world of technology since his arrival in 1992! Ladies and gentlemen, the opponent..."

Buffer yanks the black curtain off to reveal...

"MORRRRRRRRRRTAL KOOOOOOOOOOOOMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!"

Triple H starts back, "That's right Big Poppa Pump! When I said at No Way Out that 'You Would Play THE GAME-UHHHHHHHH' I meant every damn word of it...literally! I may be crippled, but I can still play a damn video GAME-UHHHHHH! And you know why I can play video games? This goes to all the boys in the back. While all you morons are back there playing your silly little video games, I sat at that monitor and watched all the matches and made myself better! And since I am at such a God-like status and have mastered the WWE MAIN EVENT STYLE, I can do any DAMN thing I want! And that includes Stephanie McMahon's old catcher's mit for a cunt and Mortal Kombat! But Scott, there's a catch to this. You have to play the whole damn tournament through and win without losing once. And, yeah, by the way, I had that baby rigged up on very hard, something your freaks wouldn't know anything about! And just to make sure you're not using any codes or whatever, I'm going to have my guys Batista and Randy Orton watch over your gameplay. Have fun playing THE GAME-UHHHHHHHHH!"

Steiner, obviously pissed, begins to warm up his hands while Batista and Orton step into the ring. Steiner's first tournament opponent will be...LIU KANG!

Steiner's character, Kano (hey, Kano's got a fake eye, Steiner's got a fake body, they go well together), makes easy work of Liu in Round 1 and begins to please the crowd with his push ups. But Scott apparently hasn't played much MK, because Round 2 begins while Steiner is doing push ups! Liu schools Kano for a bit, before Steiner gets back and makes short work of the Shaolin Warrior. But then fatality comes up on the screen, and what does our genetic genius try and do? Why, of course, he tries to put the Arcade Cabinet in the Steiner Recliner! Of course, he fails miserably, and goes into a brief roid rage while kicking the quarters out of the machine.

Steiner can't do any real damage, because of course he's supremely blown up by now.

Next opponent for Steiner will be....SCORPION!

Scorpion's spear seems to get the better of Steiner's patience and quickness as Steiner gets beat in Round 1. Of course, this taunts Batista and Orton to grab mics and taunt Steiner mercilessly! "Man, if you didn't have roided fingers, you wouldn't have lost!" and "YOU SUCK!" are some of the insults used. I'm sure you can figure out which of the two said what. Anyways, Steiner regains his composure and wins Round 2, admist the ever-present taunting of DAVE~! and Orton. HHH nods at his henchmen and right when Steiner looks like he's going to defeat Scorpion, Orton and BahTeesTah perform every gamer's worst nightmare...THEY START RUNNING THEIR HANDS OVER THE OPPONENT'S BUTTONS, MAKING STEINER LOSE!

Orton and Batista fall on the ground laughing, while Steiner punches a hole in the arcade unit screen, shattering it and his arm in the process. Steiner's arm is actually STUCK IN THE UNIT and is DRAGGING IT AROUND as he walks. Orton and Batista are crying because they are laughing so hard, and just to stay in tune to the past Steiner embarassments, they rip off Steiner's pants to reveal a "Hotdogs123 Donuts" g-string on Steiner! Oh, the embarrasment this roid monkey is going through!

At this point HHH falls down laughing, but his body is so fucking fragile that he breaks his back in the process. HHH tries to get up, but like I said...fragile body...and TEARS A QUAD TRYING TO GET UP! Chris Jericho comes out and breaks GLASS PANES over HHH's head, signifying the end of the glass ceiling and HHH stops breathing! REJOICE!!!!!!!!

And then, RHYNO comes out of the crowd and jumps in the ring. ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOSE!!! Rhyno GORES GORES GORES the MK unit, sending Steiner in his female pussy underwear and the arcade machine outside the ring. The seperation of Steiner and the arcade causes Steiner's roided arm to RIP FROM HIS SHOULDER and all this POWDERY WHITE STUFF FLIES OUT!

Steiner and HHH are dead!

Batista and Orton are STILL laughing!

Chris Jericho is celebrating while pissing on HHH's dead body!

Jim Ross is jacking off!---erm, sorry.

The WWE locker room is shown on the No Way Out-A-Tron celebrating HHH's death by...HAVING BRADSHAW RAPE HULK HOGAN WITH A VIBRATING HOGAN WCW ACTION FIGURE AND PLAYING GRAND THEFT AUTO VICE CITY!

HOWEVER! All the fun ends when a certain someone we haven't seen in a long time shows up on the No Way Out-A-Tron. It's OMG~! KEVIN NASH! "So boys, you think you can get rid of all the lazy, worthless, shithead workers around here? Well, if you've seen my WWE Desire video, you know I've been training hard with my soft bed sheets and my laptop computer to get back in that ring and bore the shit out of every fan across the world! I'm back, baby! And nothing, NOTHING is going to stop Big Sexy! I am invincible! And my reign of terror begins tomorrow night on RAW!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As Nash walks off, he slips on a banana peel and breaks his neck.

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Tell me you wouldn't pay $34.95 to see THAT shit.

S_D

©2003, WrestlingDB.