Recap by S_D

So, this past week WWE released Roddy Piper for his comments on the HBO show and Hulk Hogan claims he quit over creative differences. Piper and Hogan both out of there in one week? Color me happy. Actually, no, don't do that. Because Crash Holly was fired too. I'll start out by weighing in my thoughts on the Piper firing.

Piper did the meat and potatoes of the interview before he was brought back to WWE in March, so Piper really didn't know what he was doing at the time. The line, "They're all dying young and no one cares," pretty much spelled the end. Basically, if Piper meant what he said in that interview, such as hating himself when he wrestles, he'll be happy that WWE released him. But Piper's been really hypocritical since his return. Despite the fact that Piper maintains that WWE "got their act together" and "cleaned it up", I encourage Piper to rewind to Judgment Day, two months into his WWE return, which featured two 95% naked women in the ring kissing each other on the lips. If this is Piper's rendition of "cleaned up," I'd shutter to think what he cites as dirty. Piper being released is a plus, since Piper's Pit really never came back and was only used to do angles with Piper instead of what it should have been used for: to facilitate other feuds and plots and to get more lesser-card people promo time. It should be what The Barber Shop was to The Rockers. I wouldn't have had a problem with Piper being there if that was all he was doing, but WWE insisted on having him wrestle and do feuds with people. Once I saw the return of Piper's Pit immediately set up a feud with Rikishi on the first night back, I knew this wasn't going to ever be what it really should be: just an interview segment. Jericho's Highlight Reel segment last week is the pattern it should have followed. It furthered the Lance Storm\Steve Austin mini-feud and Storm will ultimately have no further interraction with Jericho. Sean O'Haire will also thrive. WWE had a very hurtful misconception that simply sticking Sean O'Haire next to Piper would give him some sort of rub, which is ultimately wrong. It's just like how WWE thought John Cena getting a pinfall win over The Undertaker would give him a rub simply because he beat him and not because Undertaker dominated and no-sold the entire match and taking Cena and help from a chain, a chair, Nunzio, Johnny Stamboli, and Chuck Palumbo to beat him. Cena got no rub and O'Haire didn't either. O'Haire had a gimmick that actually connected him to the fans and was pretty much a big plot device for a heel turn, which is very rare. Elimination of Piper will actually help O'Haire, but WWE tends to be weird like that.

Hogan being released is another plus. The most harming element of Smackdown right now is the once never-ending McMahons\Hogan\Piper debacle, and now, two of those ingredients have gone away. Now we are left with two McMahons and Zach Gowen. Hogan\Gowen was the same thing as Piper\O'Haire. Except, of course, O'Haire has two legs. WWE thought Gowen would get a rub just by being next to Hogan and wearing his cute little Mr. America shirt, but typical WWE fans still view him as some little kid wannabe wrestler with one leg and doesn't even know he can work. What's this, you say? Hogan pairing himself with a challenged person to gain himself more notoriety? NO WAY. Hogan never did anything good for anybody anyway ever since he got unceremoniously slaughtered by smilin' Brock Lesnar. And that, my friends, was a long time ago. But the question is, will Hogan make a 2004 stint? I hope to Trip--err, God not.

With the exile of Hogan and Piper, WWE got trigger happy and decided to unload more people they don't need. Don't get your hopes up. Apparently, A-Train and Billy Gunn still have a place in the company. But Crash Holly does not. Crash Holly is the perfect example of what happens when a laxidasical creative team does its job even worse. It's also the perfect example of a career getting totally raped in the cornhole without using lubrication. Crash was a good-to-great worker with a very high level of charisma and was simply entertaining. However, the wonderful WWE creative team over the years couldn't find jack shit to do with Crash because he wasn't McMahon's vision of a wrestler (aka roided to hell). Crash just waned away on the sidelines, only being used sparingly when we needed to get over the next big flop, whether it be A-Train or Bill DeMott. Only recently did they ever find anything to do with Crash, making him the most recent MFer. I actually thought this was a good idea, but with all good ideas in WWE land, they get killed and someone usually ends up getting fired. Goodbye, Crash. Now, go to TNA and tell everyone what a bad man Triple H is.

And by the way, happy 60th birthday to Terry Funk. You're one big crazy bastard, and that's cool with me.

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RAW Preview

No matches announced tonight as they are clearly banking big time on the demasking of Kane to bring in viewers who are asking "So now what?" You can't really look at the 0.2 rating drop from last week to be a failure, because WWE fans have been conditioned to think that when Kane's unmasking gets teased, it's not coming off. So, maybe the shock of it actually coming off will bring in viewers who brushed off last week. At house shows, it's been reported that Kane has another new look, with a freshly shaved head, shaved face, no contacts, and no Tammy Faye Baker makeup. All I can say is, they better deliver. And knowing the creative team, this has potential to be one big creative train wreck and really mess up Glen Jacobs' career forever. As if the Kaneroonie didn't do enough damage.

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ANGER MANAGEMENT

WWE RAW

Buffalo, New York - LIVE from the HSBC Arena

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry "The King" Lawler

A great recap is shown of last week's escapades between Triple H, Kane, and Rob Van Dam. The production team did its job. Will the creative team?

RAW Intro.

We kick off RAW to the sound of "RAW is JERICHO" and the Highlight Reel. Jericho's got his hair fixed up like ol' babyface Jericho. Jericho says he would interview Kane, but he's not interested in interviewing guys that look like Krusty The Clown hopped up on crack cocaine. English teachers love alliteration, and so does Jericho. Tonight's guest on the Highlight Reel? Stacy Keibler. But Scott Steiner is with her and Jericho ain't down with that. Steiner's really not doing a lot in the way of garnering a face reaction when he's sitting in the way of Keibler's trademark bend into the ring. Scott then proceeds to pull a garter off Stacy's leg. Um, ok. That was weird. Jericho questions Steiner to his reasons for being there, and in response, Steiner accuses Jericho of wearing a "jump shoot". We then go into a plug for Stacy's Stuff Magazine photoshoot. Jericho steals a line from Tazz and calls Stacy a "tomato". He also asks Stacy why she's hanging out with "King Authur" instead of him, "The King of Bling Bling." Jericho's gold. Stacy goes into cliche-mania talking about how Steiner treats her. Stacy then accuses Jericho of, and I quote, "having a legendary small penis." I guess this is Vince McMahon's payback for Jericho's claims of McMahon having a small member way back in 2000. Jericho then introduces his next guest, Test. Before Test can get to the ring, Jericho attacks Steiner. Test runs in to help, but Steiner clears the ring and Eric Bischoff comes out. Bischoff says Austin won't be there tonight because he has food poisoning. I didn't know alcohol was food now. Bischoff says it's his show tonight so he makes a match with Scott Steiner & Stacy Keibler vs. Test & Chris Jericho. Hey, remember when Test hated Chris Jericho's guts and cried his eyes out over him hitting Stacy? I'm glad to see they patched things up so well so fast.

MATCH #1
Lance Storm vs. Goldberg
We come back to find Lance Storm in the ring reading off a Prepared Statement (TM) on the defintion of boring. Before Storm can clearly define what this word is, Goldberg comes out for the match, but before Goldberg can get in the ring, the Not Black Rodney Mack attacks before the match can start, but Goldberg wipes him out again. Storm runs away instead of fighting and it's a no contest at 0:00. Goldberg then hits a screwed up Jackhammer again on Mack, which J.R. mistakenly calls the "Jackknife." Is Wade Keller booking now or something? This did nothing for nobody.
Winner: No-Contest

We go backstage where Bischoff is talking to Kane, who's doing his Tazz impression by wearing a black towel over his head. Tazz must be feeling flattered tonight. Bischoff asks Kane not to be mad at him, because it was RVD's idea to take his mask off. Bischoff says Kane's unmasking got huge ratings for RAW last week. Apparently in WWE world, the world where cameras cost $50,000 and people get plastic surgery for $30,000, an 0.2 DECREASE from the week before is huge ratings. Bischoff offers Kane a rematch for the title against HHH, and he refuses. So, Bischoff gives the title shot to RVD instead. Any bets on what body part RVD injures this time? I'm guessing the face. Bischoff then asks Kane to at least go out and address the crowd, and he refuses again. Bischoff then decrees that Kane must show his face tonight or he's fired. As if last week didn't drive the point home.

Later tonight, it's Booker T. vs. Christian for the Intercontinental Title.

MATCH #2
RAW Women's Championship
Battle Royal
Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly vs. Victoria vs. Jacqueline vs. Ivory vs. Gail Kim vs. Jazz (c)
Trish comes out first and then we go to a commercial break. We come back to hear Ivory's absolutely horrible new theme music and her dancing like a retard to it. Seriously, this sounds like something that would be played at a 8 year old's birthday party. Gail Kim then comes out next looking like a female Neo, if Neo wore short shorts and a halter top, which thankfully he doesn't. Jazz comes out next sans Theodore Long. And it's a battle royal for the championship with the ENTIRE division. I bet Ivory's thankful that she was invited into the battle royal with 6 other girls, since her 3 pinfalls over Jazz weren't enough to warrant a singles title match apparently. Ivory first gets eliminated by Molly and looks like she hurt her knee going out. We then cut back to see Jazz lying motionless in the ring and getting helped out. Don't know if it was a shoot or a work, but I'm guessing shoot seeing as how the match entirely fell apart afterwards. And also, J.R. claimed she was eliminated while Lawler claimed she wasn't. They were confused and that leads me to believe that this was indeed a shoot injury. A Victoria kick to the head put her down, so apparently Goldberg is giving kicking lessons backstage. It's then a mass exodus as Molly and Dogshit Jackie leave in less than 5 seconds. Trish and Victoria look pretty lost while Gail is down on the opposite of the ring. Victoria blocks the handstand hurricanrana and hurls Trish to the apron. Afterwards, Victoria slingshots Gail into Trish, this eliminating her. Gail then hits a twisty arm takedown, because the word is, she's pretty much a female Rey Mysterio. That's pretty good considering she was trained by the king of the luchadores, Dusty Rhodes. Victoria goes for the Widow's Peak, but Gail uses her crotch powers to push Victoria back and leg scissors her over the top rope for the win and the title at 4:05. Pretty bad match, but I attribute that to the Jazz injury if it was legit. If it wasn't, well, then they should be beaten for this performance. I normally would balk towards anyone getting a title on their first night, but honestly, who gives a shit about the Women's Title?
Winner and NEW Women's Champion: Gail Kim

MATCH #3
RAW Intercontinental Championship
Booker T. vs. Christian (c)
Christian attacks Booker before the bell and two engage in a wild brawl that spills into the crowd before we take a commercial break to restore order and get the match started. Christian took a nice bump on the steel steps, by the way. Commercial break. We return with the match in progress. Christian hits a nice top rope inverted hangman's drop down on Booker. J.R. accuses Lawler of having a selective memory, which is pretty funny for anyone in WWE to be accusing someone else of. This is rest hold mania as Christian uses two variations of the chinlock. Booker gets a flurry of offense, but Christian counters with...another resthold. Booker comes back again and they eventually do the awesome Christian-coming-off-the-top-rope-but-gets-hit-with-the-axe-kick spot from last week. Looked just as good. Christian hits a superplex, but Booker bridges Christian's feet, pins him, and seemingly wins the IC Title at 8:19. Boy, the crowd woke up when that happened. Oh, but they died just as quickly when Bischoff came out and declared Booker's shoulders down too, so we get another no contest while J.R. babbles about how Booker got screwed again. Hey J.R., who's fault was it that Booker couldn't get a shoulder up? Christian retains the title. The Dusty Finish lives. Has Christian won a SINGLE match since winning the title, in a match that he didn't even really win in the first place?
Winner: DRAW

RVD finds Kane backstage and confirms that, yes, it was indeed him who suggested the mask being taken off. Kane proclaims he hates the fans and he hates RVD. Well, that's just not nice.

MATCH #4
Chris Jericho & Test vs. Scott Steiner & Stacy Keibler
Test is wearing short trunks now, a`la Orton. Lawler is being his usual goofy self, when J.R. just comes out of nowhere and unloads on him on what can only be described as BBQ Rage. J.R. afterwards proclaims that Steiner treats Stacy like a lady. So making them bend over for you in public multiple times and showing off their body to complete strangers is being a gentleman? Oklahoma doesn't so bad now. During the match, Steiner said a dirty word towards Test and got bleeped. Why can't we bleep his ring work too? Test beats down Steiner and then does jumping jacks, while J.R. informs us that he knows nothing about calisthenics. Good Lord he had me fooled. I thought he was a fitness guru with all those Big Show and Mark Henry weight updates. This match is nothing special, it's just both men taking turns on Steiner. Jericho slings down the referee for the DQ at 7:03, but RAW General Manager Dusty Rhodes says the match will continue and now it's a No DQ match. Steiner and Test come close to blowing a suplex spot. Jericho clocks Steiner with a chair and force Stacy to tag in. Afterwards, Test hits an incredibly stiff (huh huh) looking Pump Handle (huh huh) Slam on Stacy (huh huh) for the pin at 8:22. I understand what they were trying to accomplish here, but 8 minutes was way too long to do it when it could have only taken 3. I must commend Test lately, as it seems he's finally finding personality and charisma, which have eluded him for far too long.
Winners: Chris Jericho & Test

Why are we doing Wrestlemania recaps? Especially of Lawrence F'N Taylor?

MATCH #5
Rico vs. Maven
They ran this match 2 weeks ago and it was really boring. We'll see if they can pick it up this time. "Miss Jackie" is looking very hot, by the way with her nice variation of Ivory's butthole pants. Rico seems to have REALLY turned up the gay since 2 weeks ago. He grabs Maven's ass and continues to prance around the ring. He does gymnastics coming off a wristlock. He reaches into his pants and pulls out a key to give Maven. I bet that smells good. Maven goes for a sunset flip, but Rico hits the smartest counter for that move I've ever seen: rubbing his crotch erotically in the other man's face. It worked. Rico then proceeds to jump in Maven's arms and kiss his cheek. This is the most awe-inspiring thing I've ever seen. It's like an early Goldust and The Genius hybrid. And let's face facts, The Genius was an implied fruit. Rico skips around with the referee, and then hits some of his devistating kicks in the corner which are not so effeminate. Rico then does the mounting pin on Maven, which has really always been a gay looking move anyways. Maven gets some offense back and Miss Jackie gets pulled in. Maven hits a top rope bulldog, and does not break the opponent's neck, unlike Rick Steiner. Jackie distracts and Rico hits the spinkick for the pin at 4:45. Well, it certainly wasn't boring this time. I usually don't do move-by-move recaps, but Rico was unbelievably hilarious in this match and is really good at this act. I'm a mark for it. He's the type of heel I would pay money to see get his ass kicked. Maybe HHH should try prancing around more often and grabbing ass.
Winner: Rico

MATCH #6
Randy Orton vs. Tommy Dreamer
The Nature Boy is with Orton. Evolution has an even cooler titantron video this week. Dreamer is looking for revenge on Orton following his janitorial nightmare attack on Mick Foley last week. At least they've got a reason for Dreamer to get squashed. They are officially in the Guiness Book of World Records for longest. tie-up. ever. Orton beats on Dreamer vvveeerrryyy ssslllooowwwlllyyy. The crowd is so bored, they fire up the ECW chants. Dreamer respondes by hitting his old ECW finisher, which of course does nothing of note in WWE world. Randy hops up after some help from Flair and hits his Diamond Cutter which is now called "The RKO" for the win at 4:19. They replaced the letter "T" for "R". What a creative team we have.
Winner: Randy Orton

Bischoff tells Terri McRibs that since she and Kane had a fling for a few weeks, she's ordered to go interview him or she's fired.

MATCH #7
Non-Title Match
La Resistance vs. The Hurricane & Spike Dudley
For those of you that didn't read Shane Helms' most recent commentary, he claims that "La Resistance" is French for "Must change the channel." He couldn't have been more correct. Apparently, the new angle is that The Hurricane is looking for a new tag team partner. And since Sgt. Slaughter didn't work out so well, he introduces Spike Dudley as his new partner. And the crowd couldn't care less. I think that last match killed the crowd. The match had no heat whatsoever and the boring chants started to become audible. You'd think they put a picture of Storm on the Titantron or something. Hurricane gets tossed out of the ring and La Resistance steals a move out of Kronic's play book and hits the High Times on Spike for the win at 3:47. A note to La Reisistance: You're boring enough as it is. Stealing moves from Kronic is not the best team to be stealing moves from if you want the crowd to pay attention.
Winners: La Resistance

McRibs goes to interview Kane but Kane has shockingly disappeared. I bet that's not the first guy Terri couldn't find after a brief fling.

MATCH #8
RAW Championship
Triple H (c) vs. Rob Van Dam
I'm begging for an injury here. Flair is *not* with Triple H. RVD gets all his kicks off before HHH starts to bore everything up. They begin to brawl outside the ring and Flair comes out. He then goes into his vast move set of rest holds which include the Indian Death Lock and the Figure Four. Why doesn't he just break out The Sleeper, aka The Glassmission? RVD breaks out of the figure four and the crowd couldn't be more dead. RVD pops right up and acts like Triple H hasn't even been attacking his knee for the past 10 minutes, so thumbs down to that. RVD starts a flurry of offense which culminates in RVD hitting the 5 Star, only for Flair to come in and hit RVD with the belt for the DQ. However, Dusty Rhodes reincarnated comes back out and decrees that the match must continue and that it's No DQ. RVD proceeds to hit the Van Daminator on HHH. When RVD tries to carry HHH into the ring, Bischoff claims that it's also now Falls Count Anywhere. RVD goes for the pin, but Randy Orton, who almost missed his cue, breaks it up. RVD fights off Flair and Orton and all 4 men make their way up to the stage with Bischoff standing around. RVD hits Rolling Thunder on HHH for only two. HHH hits RVD in the head with the belt and then hits a DDT on the steel grating for the win at 19:14. RVD took the DDT like a champ. HHH's title reign is such a joke because NO ONE, including the fans who buy tickets, expects him to lose because he never does and all his challengers were at some point earlier made to look like chumps by him and the crowd acts accordingly to this. Kane comes out with a towel on his head and acts like he's going to chokeslam RVD, but he grabs Bischoff instead and chokeslams him off the stage. I'm guessing this will leas to Bischoff being absent next week so Austin can have his own RAW. The chokeslam looked very screwed up because Bischoff was supposed to land on a gimmicked table below the stage, but only scraped the very edge of it and landed mostly on the ground on his back. I wouldn't be surprised if he got legit hurt there and needed a trip to the hospital. Well, I did beg for an injury. RAW ends with a close up of Kane's newly-shaven head with slight makeup and contacts in full force. I don't understand, though, why Kane attacked Bischoff, which is a face move, after he said he hated the fans and RVD. But whatever. This is WWE, I should learn by now to not expect to understand everything.
Winner and STILL RAW Champion: Triple H

Last Edited: Monday, August 4th, 2003 - 03:53 am EDT