Humor by Slim_Hoss

BAI GAWD!!!!!!!! Welcome to the debut article of the Hoss report. My name is Slim Hoss and i'll be delivering and sizzling up news on all your favourite wwe hoss wrestlers that is sure to be on par with my BAI GAWD bbq sauce. I promise you that my bbq sauce is going to be hotter than a Yokozuna/King Mabel matchup. Now let's get to the news shall we.


I would like to at this BAI GAWD moment take this time to address some rumours floating around the internet. It's real easy. At no time, do we ever, and BAI GAWD I mean ever, plan on pushing the smaller talent. I get sick and tired of people on the internet talking about how Eddie Guerrero, John Cena, Chris Benoit, and Chris Jericho are being held down due to politics. Let me say that all the athletes that I just mentioned are fine talent. However, they just don't have it yet. They don't have the presence to hold the audiences interest....and they are in no way shape or form on the level of a Big Show, Mark Henry, or an A-Train. With intensive steroi...I mean....i'm sorry....weight training and increasing bulking up their muscles, maybe, just maybe they will be given a higher position in our company. Remember folks, it's not the athletisicism that counts, it's pure brutality. When I say HELL FIRE AND BRIMSTONE, I BAI GAWD mean it. Now I do not want to waste anymore time on these athletic midcard talents, so let's finally get onto the people that really matter in our company.

Big Show: Nobody has impressed me this much since Viscera plowed through 18 White Castle Burgers in catering during a Milwaukee tv taping. This BEAST is showing each and every week why he is at the top of the federation. His match last Thursday against the Undertaker was in the ****1/2 range, it was one of the best matches I have ever had the pleasure of watching. Trust me on this folks, this BAI GAWD HOSS is going to be the WWE Champion again, hopefully sooner than later.

Undertaker: What else needs to be said? This man has been the cornerstone of the WWE for years, and is going to remain at the top. He has showed young people in the ring (who by the way, I don't feel is ready yet, and you know who you are) that nobody is going to take his spot. What impresses me the most about this man is the fact that he sticks up for himself backstage. He doesn't let anybody take his BAI GAWD spot. With hard work and bulk, this man is going to be sticking around for another 20 years, and will have several world title reigns to his credit.

Rosey: This man is the reason to watch Raw right now. While we feel that Hurricane has not been up to par lately with his in ring and promo work, joining Rosey with the young Hurricane is just going to help Shane Helms. Rosey has proved time and time again that size does matter in the WWE, and that the bigger you are, the better you are. Rosey is coming off a breakthrough year, and I guarandamntee ya, Triple H had better push this guy in the production meet....I mean, sorry....give this man some rub later down the road, because, trust me when I say this folks, this is a future BAI GAWD World Champion.

Mark Henry: We had to move this incredible athlete off of Smackdown due to the consistent rumours that have been floating around. Besides, Paul Heyman was bringing his career down, by wanting to push the smaller wrestlers. That's not how things work around here Paul, and look where you are now???? Eating Swanson TV Dinners while your hair completely balds out. OOPS, I mean....Ok, anyway, Mark Henry is now on the Raw roster and will make an immediate impact, an impact that will be far greater than any bowel movement Bam Bam Bigelow took backstage (and lemme tell ya, that's no small feat) I give this man 6 months before he is one of the top 5 in our business.

A-Train: Finally I felt that I needed to save the best for last. This BAI GAWD HOSS is going to win the WWE Championship, perhaps within the next month. This mans talents were being wasted when he was teamed with Scott Taylor. I mean, why must this special athlete be teamed with someone who is the size of an 8 year old boy. It's absolutely unfair for A-Train to be subjected to all the abuse that he does on the internet. You wanna know why? Because he is BAI GAWD better than any of you. He completely wrestled circles around Chris Benoit last time out in the ring...and Chris was quite embarrassed by it. Chris, you are going to learn that when Albert dictates the pace of a match, YOU FOLLOW IT...I MEAN DAMNIT CHRIS, DAMN YOU TO HELL..I HOPE YOU GET RUN DOWN BY A PICKUP TRUCK YOU SUMBITCH. LET A-TRAIN call the match. Now that I've got that off my chest, I will predict that 2004 will be the year of the A-Train. CHOOOO CHOOO BY GAWD CHUGAGAGAG CHOO CHOOO.

And with that, I wrap up the first installment of the Hoss Report. Remember folks, BIGGER IS BETTER, and if your SMALLER, YOU'RE A BAWLER. Until next time, buy my bbq sauce...and be prepared to poop like you've never pooped before

Slim Hoss