Recap by S_D

RIP Stu Hart
RIP Road Warrior Hawk

ANGER MANAGEMENT

WWE Smackdown - October 23rd, 2003

TAPED from Albany, New York @ The Pepsi Arena

Your hosts: Michael Cole & Tazz

A recap of the Stephanie/Vince crap from No Mercy. Blah. Who cares. Maybe finally we can move on. Until Steph makes her triumphant return of course.

Looks like they've done a remix of the Smackdown main theme.

Instead of opening pyro, Vince McMahon and Sable come out. So much for moving on. Is it just me, or does Sable's face look a little more stuffy? I guess she finally realized that anorexia is, in fact, not phat. There are an alarming rate of signs in the crowd requesting for Stephanie's return. Those fans were obviously brainwashed, A Clockwork Orange style. Vince proclaims that he knows he's going to Hell when he dies. I hope Ted Turner is Satan. He then pretty much implies that him and Sable had sex all night after No Mercy. His two main goals were realized at No Mercy: Stephanie is unemployed and Brock Lesnar is still the WWE Champion. He then makes some cute rhymes that I'm afraid would lower my IQ if I repeated (although it did explain why Sylvan Grenier got his job). Vince then announces the new General Manager of Smackdown. It's somebody that tried to put him out of business a while ago. Vince sure does have a thing about giving GM roles to people who do that to him. Maybe Jerry Jarrett will be the next GM of RAW. The new Smackdown General Manager is Paul Heyman. And he looks like he's lost a lot of weight too. I just hope his personal trainer got paid with cash, not checks. Before Heyman can even finish a sentence, The Undertaker's music hits and he strolls to the ring. Vince and Sable hightail it while Heyman tries to bargain with him. I have to give it to UT, he's looking like he's in great shape, unlike his run a year ago in which he looked like he was more pregnant than his wife. Heyman announces the main event tonight as The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar & The Big Show. Glad to see Lesnar, Heyman, and Big Show forgot about that teeny weeny little problem they had last year. Undertaker then compares Heyman in the ring to a steaming dump in a yard. UT claims he'll win and all will be well with the world. Heyman says if UT wins, he can choose any match he wants against any opponent for anytime. So Bischoff, the former head man of WCW, is running RAW, Heyman, the former head man of ECW, is running Smackdown, and Vince, the guy who beat both of them in business, is the WWE overlord. Can we just go on and rename RAW to "WCW" and Smackdown to "ECW"? It's not like the WWE name holds any more prestige now than those other two. And plus, I still can't adjust to "WWE."

LATER TONIGHT: Los Guerreros defend the WWE Tag Team Titles against The World's Greatest Tag Team

John Cena & A-Train vs. Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit
There is a huge row-long sign in the crowd that says "A-TRAIN RULES." What the hell is in the water in this town? These people are retards. Glad to see Benoit and Angle don't hate each other anymore too. In a blatant Jim Ross impersonation, Tazz keeps getting Kurt and Chris' name mixed up. I wonder if he'll call the Ankle Lock "The Crossface." In another great quote by Tazz, he says, "On the positive side, I know what Heyman's capable of. On the negative side, (no doubt looking at his wallet) I know what Heyman's capable of." Cena breaks out the Michinoku Driver/Juvi Driver/Vampiro Spike/toaster/vaccum/lawnmower on Angle. Only 3 easy payments of $29.99! Angle and A-Train mess up a german suplex in which A-Train lands right on his shoulder. I don't know who's fault that was, but since A-Train sucks ass, we'll blame him. "You fucked up" chant ensues. Cena picks up Angle for the FU, Angle slides down with a Sunset Flip-like movement, and immediately wriggles into the Ankle Lock. Amazing. A-Train brings a chair in the ring. Benoit steals it and goes to nail A-Train with it, but clocks Angle right in the back. Uh oh. Angle then picks up the chair and goes after Benoit. Question: How did Angle know who hit him? He wasn't even looking. After a few seconds of words, Benoit and Angle start trading blows, and the ref calls for the bell. So much for Benoit and Angle not hating each other anymore. Benoit hooks in the Crossface as the refs come in to break it up. Before Angle can return the favor and attach the Ankle Lock, Benoit escapes from the ring. Better Benoit/Angle than Benoit/A-Train.
Winner: no-contest at 4:28

LATER TONIGHT: Handicap Match; The Undertaker vs. The Big Show & Brock Lesnar

Apparently, Nidia's vision is not back yet due to the mysterious black mist of Tajiri. Question: How can something be so harmful to someone's eyes, yet be perfectly safe in someone's mouth and potentially swallowed? Anyways, Jamie Noble has recorded comments on Nidia's webcam. I wonder if she gives shows on Cyberfold [cyberfold.com]. Jamie says Nidia loves getting online, which I'm sure Vince will fire her for momentarily. Noble promises revenge on Tajiri if Nidia doesn't fully recover. Remember last year when Noble shared Nidia with Tajiri? Good times.

Heyman meets up with Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas backstage. Heyman's heels on both of them, being frustrated that neither of them gave him any phone calls of support after his injury. So, in retaliation, Heyman gives their tag team title shot to The Basham Brothers instead, while Shelton & Charlie will face "one of the most entertaining tag teams in WWE history" that Heyman has reformed. Oh no, this cannot be good.

Vince & Sable are up in a "skybox," which looks to be nowhere near the top of the arena at all. Joy.

The same Stu Hart tribute video from RAW is shown with Michael Cole doing the voice-over instead of Vince. I guess they figured it was in obvious bad taste to have McMahon read a memorial dedication after he just bragged about going to Hell when he dies. I'm suprised WWE had the forsight to realize this. This is, after all, the same company that let Stephanie go on TV and compare her father being prosecuted by the federal government (for steroid issues he was obviously guilty of) to the horrid 9/11 terrorist attacks.

The World's Greatest Tag Team vs. Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty
I'm glad to see Scotty finally back. His gimmick may be annoying as hell, but at least he's a good worker. But Rikishi? I was living great without him. Crowd seemed excited when they thought it was the original combination of Scotty 2 Hotty and Grand Master Sexay, but completely deflated when they saw Rikishi, who now looks fatter than ever, waddle out behind Scotty. History lesson. When was the last time we saw Scotty? April 4th, 2002; the very first Smackdown of the brand extension era. The match was Billy & Chuck defending the WWF Tag Team Titles against Scotty & Albert. Don't tell me you forgot about the era of the Hip Hop Hippo. Billy & Chuck won, and then afterwards, Albert turned heel on Scotty and Rikishi made the save. Scotty was never seen again (until tonight) and Albert became lame and boring again and unfortunately decided to shed 95% of his ring attire. Scotty's looking pretty good in the ring. I can't say the same for fat ass Rikishi. Scotty does The Worm to an amazing reaction to Benjamin. Rikishi hits the Stinkface on Haas. Shelton goes for a sunset flip on Rikishi, and Rikishi just sits on him for the win. They then do their old post-match dance schtick. The return of Brian Lawler just has to be imminent. I don't understand why they called this a "tag team reformation." I don't think Rikishi & Scotty EVER teamed together on TV before this.
Winners: Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty at 6:19

We then pan up to Vince & Sable who are dancing like handicapped people when Undertaker walks in and talks trash to Vince. UT's voice keeps cracking like he's going through puberty again. He wishes. He then accuses Vince of paying off Sable to sleep with him. That's funny, because in real life, Sable sleeps with Vince to get a steady paycheck. Art really does imitate life. Sort of.

UP NEXT: Los Guerreros defend the WWE Tag Team Title againt The Basham Brothers

Eddie is backstage getting his back medicated, when Chavo comes in and gives a pretty intense promo on how Eddie should forget the U.S. Title and worry about the Tag Titles. It's obvious Chavo is about to turn.

WWE Tag Team Championship
The Basham Brothers vs. Los Guerreros (c)
Shaniqua's got a fresh boob job. And it actually looks pretty good on her. She now has a nice chest, a big ghetto ass, and a not-ugly face, which I can't say for the rest of the African-American women in WWE. It's now official: I'd hit it. I still can't get over their really effeminate theme music. Cole claims Eddie had 35 pieces of glass removed from his back. Then why is he only wearing 3 bandages? Oh yeah, but this is WWE; the same place where cameras cost $50,000 and people get plastic surgery for $30,000. Anyone want to pool some money together and buy Chavo some rogaine for Christmas? After the Bashams hit a flapjack on Chavo, Shaniqua pays tribute to Mortal Kombat by screaming, "Finish Him!" Eddie hits the triple snap suplex and then goes to the top. Shaniqua meets him on the apron, but Eddie gives her a nice boot to the face. While this is going on, the Bashams do the switcheroo. Eddie goes for the frog splash. Danny jumps up, but Eddie rolls through. However, he pops up to meet a big nightstick in the face to win the tag team titles. The Big Bossman would be proud. I love how, to Michael Cole, it's funny and cool for the Guerreros to cheat all the time, but when anyone else does it, it's despicable and unforgivable.
Winners and NEW WWE Tag Team Champions: The Basham Brothers at 8:50

We go to footage during the commercial break, Chavo verbally berates Eddie and walks out of the ring.

Non-Title Match
Tajiri vs. Zach Gowen
I can't believe they jobbed Matt Hardy to this fuck at No Mercy. Now isn't that cute; Gowen's t-shirt had a sleeve missing. I bet that would look SO GOOD in public, right Teen Girl Squad? [homestarrunner.com] Tajiri just kicks the shit out of Gowen constantly. Give him one for me too. Can someone please do the Giant Swing to one-legged Gowen? I think that would be the most hilarious thing I'll ever see in my life. In true WWE fashion, $100,000 TO ANYONE WHO GETS THE JOB DONE! Tajiri goes up for a double-knee drop and gives a very womanly yell when he does it. Gowen goes for a moonsault, misses, Tajiri hits the Buzzwaw Kick, goodbye. Tajiri motions to the crowd, at which point Keiji Sakoda and Jimmy Yang come in. Yang and Sakoda then present Gowen with a Double-Inverted Flatliner mafia-style. Put Ultimo Dragon and Funaki with these guys just for the sake of more TV time.
Winner: Tajiri at 3:33

LATER TONIGHT: Handicap Match; The Undertaker vs. The Big Show & Brock Lesnar

The WWE Champion and the U.S. Champion are backstage talking to each other about the good ol' days.

Vince & Sable mumble about whatever.

Video package time. September 12th, 2002. Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly. They then freeze-frame on Holly getting dumped on his neck by Lesnar. The story here is that Holly was being a stiff asshole (as usual) and trying to "mess with the new guy." Lesnar went to powerbomb Holly. Holly thought it would be cute to not help out Lesnar at all and pretty much acted as a sandbag. Lesnar at that point said, "Ok, fuck this" and just dropped Holly on his neck. Holly ended up having to have Severe Neck Surgery (©, WWE). We then go to Holly claming that he's coming back for one reason and one reason only: to end Brock's career. Holly had the intensity of a doorknob.

Handicap Match
Brock Lesnar & The Big Show vs. The Undertaker
The Big Show goes to the top rope in an attempt for a spike piledriver on UT, but UT thwarts the attack. He throws Lesnar out of the ring and chokeslams Big Show off the top rope for the pinfall at 5:25. Oh, but it's not that easy. Paul Heyman comes out, chastising himself for messing up first day on the job, and says this match was a 2 out of 3 falls match. Christ, Paul Wight, lose some weight. UT hurls Big Show over the guard rail and then Lesnar. He gets back in the ring as Big Show is counted out at 9:19. Once again, not that easy. Heyman messed up again. No countouts in this match. Match continues. Talk about overbooking. Big Show brings in a chair and creams UT with it for the DQ at 10:03. Heyman says he messed up for a 3rd time. No disqualifications. Match continues. UT grabs the biker chain and slugs Lesnar with it. He slugs Big Show with it and pins Lesnar for the win. So, let me get this straight. UT just won a Handicap Match 4 times. This is fucking stupid. Big Show and Lesnar attack post match.
Winner: The Undertaker at 11:18.

Vince comes to the ring and taunts UT. He asks UT what we wants, and UT wants a Buried Alive match at Survivor Series. But UT says he doesn't want it with Lesnar...he wants it with Vince. Oh joy. Undertaker and Vince McMahon in a main event. That'll pull in the buyrate. If I may quote Eric Cartman: "Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?"

Last Edited: Saturday, October 25th, 2003 - 04:48 pm EDT