Recap by S_D

ANGER MANAGEMENT

WWE RAW

November 3rd, 2003

LIVE from Cleveland, Ohio @ The Gund Arena

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry "The King" Lawler

New Bischoff and Austin opening pictures. Yay.

Intro

Booker T. & Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho & Christian
Booker T. joins us. Followed by the Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam. The King of Bling Bling and Vitamin C come in next through the crowd in a tribute to Edge and attack the babyfaces. It's pretty stupid nowadays when J.R. has to act like an idiot and ask "Where the hell did they come from?" when they obviously came through the crowd. They refer to RVD as the I-C Champion, Booker T. as a former 5-time WCW Champion, and Jericho as the first Undisputed Champion like any of that shit matters nowadays. Get RVD an ass maxi pad, because his flow is heavy. They might as well put a glass ceiling over the ring because these are the top 4 men being held back by the very famous HHH effect. Christian and Jericho make a blind tag and referee Earl Hebner doesn't even check for it. That pretty much personifies how lazy WWE's gotten in general. And it's small things like that that take away the magic of wrestling from the hardcore fans. Booker hit a hell of an axe kick on Christian. Van Dam looks like he sliced Jericho's cheek open. They hit an awesome spot where Jericho and Christian go for a double backdrop but Booker hits a double axe kick on both. Jericho hits "The Flashback" which I don't even think has a name anymore. He covers Booker and, with Christian holding the foot down, gets the win.
WINNERS: Chris Jericho & Christian

Backstage, Austin is pissed at his team losing and meets up with Jonathan Coachman. Coachman's a really good heel talker. It's too bad he's been marketed as a total clown. Austin says whether his team wins or loses, he's beating Coachman's ass after the match at Survivor Series because it's not like he'll have anything to lose if he does it if his team loses. See, WWE? What's so wrong with using logic and making sense? It didn't bite.

Backstage, Terri McRibs is talking to the Women's Champion Molly Holly. Holly cuts a nice promo against Lita and then proceeds to beat the shit out of Terri and they head out to the stage. Give her one for me too. Damn, Molly looks hot in those blue jeans. This triggers Lita to come out, which also triggers Gail Kim in an elaborate disguise (a hooded sweatshirt) to attack. Gail and Molly hit a double DDT that would make Jake Roberts proud. Meanwhile, J.R. decrees that this POSSIBLY could be a set up. He's a regular Matlock. The only thing I got from this segment was how incredibly hot Molly looks in casual clothes.

Backstage, Austin meets up with Shawn Michaels. It's pretty funny to see a guy wearing a shirt with a Jesus fish next to a guy wearing a shirt with the word "fuck." Austin pretty much asks HBK to join Team Austin and HBK doesn't follow. When Austin admits he needs Michaels, he finally agrees. And who says HBK doesn't politck anymore? So now, Team Austin is completed with Booker T., Rob Van Dam, The Dudley Boys, & Shawn Michaels.

Backstage, Lita says it's tight right there. Her neck, pervert. Christian runs in valiantly to check on Lita. Hey, by the way, why the hell doesn't Lita wear her thongs out anymore? That's a load of bullshit.

Batista vs. Maven
Here comes Batista with Ric Flair. When you look at Batista in the face, does anyone else see Stephanie from Full House in his face? Random. And hey, LeBron James is in the crowd. He sure was impressive with that 3-for-12 game against Portland! Maven hustles to the ring. This should be a nice little squash. Batista's arm looks like a plate of spaghetti, it's so veiny. Bor-Ring chants ensue, and then they magically transform to weak Gold-Berg chants. Maven nails Flair off the apron and gets booed. Batista hits a sick powerbomb on Maven for the win. Ok, so it was a semi-squash. So much for that huge push for Maven.
WINNER: Batista

Let's analyze. The Undertaker is main-eventing the Smackdown side of Survivor Series against a non-wrestler and won't be on TV again until the PPV. Triple H is main-eventing the Raw side and won't be on the TV again until the PPV. Lack of priorities, anybody?

WWE Armageddon in December will be a RAW PPV. How appropriate.

Backstage, there is an ambulance with Kane beside it. Hyping up the Ambulance Match at survivor Series with Shane McMahon is the agenda. And let the comparisons to WCW 2000 continue.

Backstage, Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak cut a nice intense promo for their match against The Dudleys tonight that actually made me care about a non-title match. How come these guys play heels on house shows but faces on TV? And WWE tries to claim that they are placing more emphasis on making house shows important again. Yeah, riiiiight.

Non-Title Match
The Dudley Boys vs. Mark Jindrak & Garrison Cade
They broke two cardinal wrestling rules here. They introduced the champions first. Also, they introduced the team with the less heat last to suck the heat out of the crowd. Do it the other way, and the entrances end with a pop instead of a silence. And Cade & Jindrak still aren't getting jack shit of a reaction. I wonder when Kevin Dunn's going to make them wear dresses and claim it's just expanding their character. Cade's mouth is busted open. By the way, why are the Dudleys now announced as being from New York City? J.R. slips up and calls Garrison by his old ring name "Lance Cade." And then something gets bleeped for 1 full second. Maybe Vince took control of the censors in light of J.R.'s apparent Alzheimer's. Cade misses a flying elbow drop that would have made Macho Man proud. However, expect a song on Macho's next album called "Be A Man, Cade." Steiner's music hits and he drags out Stacy. He grabs a handful of Stacy's cooch which undoubtedly distracted the Dudleys. Cade takes advantages and gets the pin after...a clothesline. Haha, Bubba jobbed to a clothesline.
WINNERS: Mark Jindrak & Garrison Cade

Backstage, Bischoff walks to the ring with his game face (and clipboard).

We're back and the red carpet is in the ring. Which means the shit is on. Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out. He cuts the bullshit and tells Bischoff to come out. Bischoff's announces his 5th and final member of Team Bischoff and it's Randy Orton. Team Bischoff is now completed with Chris Jericho, Scott Steiner, Christian, Mark Henry, and Randy Orton. There's a sign in the crowd that says "Less Talking, More Wrestling." I guess that guy watched Smackdown. I wonder how long it'll take to get that sign taken away. Bischoff signs the contract. Austin signs the contract. There's another sign in the crowd that promotes "Free Mustache Rides." I guess that guy watched Smackdown. Looks like the "Less Talking..." sign got taken away. That took about 4 minutes. So much for that freedom of speech bullshit they peddled on Smackdown. Jesus, they're on a sign taking craze. This is dragging on way too long. End this please. WWE's reasoning? "It's OK, I had Subway."

Backstage, Austin is walking and meets up with Batista and decrees that Austin makes him sick. He then proceeds to accuse Austin of being a "Goddamn coward." Shawn's sure to love that one.

Rico vs. Lance Storm
Val Venis steals Godfather's gimmick and now has his own hos. Rico is now using a remix of the old Billy & Chuck theme. At least he got an entrance this week. Lance Storm then comes out. Looks like Val's scouting for his next film project. Rico looks like he's been going through Brutus Beefcake's trash. Or his EBay auctions. J.R. and Lawler completely ignore the match to discuss porn films. Tremendous. Storm does his old roll-through into the Maple Leaf for the tap out win. Val brings his ladies into the ring for Lance to get down with.
WINNER: Lance Storm

Backstage, Trish Stratus meets up with Chris Jericho. Jericho wants Trish's phone number so they can "talk and whatever" according to Trish. Trish then reveals that John Heidenreich showed Little Johnny to her and this steams our paragon of virtue to anger. Trish and Heidenreich are in a mixed tag match against unnamed opponents up next. Oh boy.

Trish Stratus & John Heidenreich vs. Victoria & Steven Richards
At least Heidenreich has a lot of charisma. He really didn't get a chance to do much last week so this week should be a fair evaluation. The big sell on the gimmick here is what the hell "Little Johnny" is. Jericho is backstage supervising. Victoria hits an incredible inverted powerbomb on Trish. Victoria is the workrate queen of the Divas. Someone's gotten confused on the rules. And let the comparisons to WCW 2000 continue. Heidenreich hits a backbreaker bomb on Richards that didn't look so easy to take for the win. Heidenreich seems to be passible in the ring, which is more than I can ask from big men seeing such recent big man runs from guys like Nathan Jones.
WINNERS: Trish Stratus & John Heidenreich

Backstage, Coachman asks for an interview with Austin. He wants to know how it felt to get punked out by Batista. Austin says that he's now the special guest enforcer for the Henry/Michaels match and that if anyone wants to fight him, it's an open invitation.

RAW CARD FOR SURVIVOR SERIES
Team Austin (Booker T., Rob Van Dam, The Dudley Boys, & Shawn Michaels) vs. Team Bischoff (Chris Jericho, Scott Steiner, Christian, Mark Henry, & Randy Orton)
Goldberg vs. Triple H for the World Heavyweight Title
Lita vs. Molly Holly for the Women's Title
Shane McMahon vs. Kane in an Ambulance Match

Backstage, Sgt. Slaughter presents a letter from Shane to Kane. Apparently, Shane invited Kane for something next week and Kane accepted. Maybe it's a Stephanie McMahon orgy.

Shawn Michaels vs. Mark Henry
Austin is out early. Shawn Michaels' reputation for being able to have a good match with anybody is severely going to get tested tonight. It looks like Rodney Mack is going to be out approximately 4 months with his knee injury. I cried a tear when I heard that. A tear of joy, that is. Theodore Long trips up HBK. Austin retaliates by ejecting Long. "Mark Henry's moves sure have taken the wind out of the sails of this crowd" -- Jerry Lawler. Very well said, Lawler. Henry leans HBK down into a pinning bearhug, which looks auspiciously like gay sex. Henry shows courtesy to HBK's surgically repaired back and slams him on the side of the ring. Henry misses a big splash from the middle rope. HBK nips up and superkicks Henry out of nowhere for the pin. Thank God, I was thinking for a second that they'd actually put Henry over. Austin comes in post-match and asks HBK to leave the ring because he has some business to take care of. I think it would have been funny had Austin offered a beer to the Jesus-lovin' HBK. Austin calls out Batista as we go to a break.
WINNER: Shawn Michaels

Austin is pacing in the ring and Batista comes to the ring. They trade blows until Austin knocks Batista out of the ring. Henry tries to sneak-attack but gets Stunnered. Batista knocks Austin out of the ring and then Goldberg comes out and attacks Batista, complete with a sold knee injury. But not before he completely cracks the shit out of Henry's forehead with a chair. Flair comes out to try and help Batista but gets speared for his trouble. Batista runs out. Austin wants to drink beer with Goldberg, but Goldberg hesitates. He wants Batista next week and gets it. Funny how they keep teasing an Austin/Goldberg brawl (which is what everyone wants) and don't ever deliever it.

GODDAMN What a boring show.

Last Edited: Friday, November 7th, 2003 - 12:39 pm EST