Recap by S_D

ANGER MANAGEMENT

January 1st, 2004

WWE SmackDown!

TAPED from Laredo, Texas @ the Laredo Entertainment Center

Recap is shown of 2 weeks ago of Hardcore Holly & Shannon Moore defeating A-Train & Matt Morgan. Holly gets a SmackDown! Title shot for his trouble. Oh joy.

SmackDown! intro video

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Tazz

We open the 2004 SmackDown! with the announcement that Hardcore Holly will receive his WWE Title shot at the Royal Rumble. Boy, 2004 just got off to a good note, didn’t it?

MATCH #1
WWE SmackDown! Cruiserweight Championship
Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri
Referee: Brian Hebner
At least they introduced the challenger first, like they were supposed to. Tajiri is flanked by Akio and Sakoda. After failed interference by Akio and Sakoda, Rey hits a hurricanrana on Tajiri and rolls through for the 1-2-3 to become a 2-time Cruiserweight Champion. Kudos to WWE for giving these guys more than 10 minutes. Rey should be the standard-bearer of the Cruiserweight division, but the problem is, there really isn’t a vast array of new people for Rey to fight. And I hope Tajiri and company fully realize that now, they are about to become Kaientai 2.0. Great match.
Winner and NEW Cruiserweight Champion: Rey Mysterio at 11:09

Michael Cole jumps in the ring for an immediate interview with the new champion. After Rey gets done with his speech, The Big Show decides he wants to come out. DID YOU KNOW…that The Big Show is the U.S. Champion? Bet you didn't. Big Show and Rey are together. Rey better be glad there are no stretchers around. Big Show is out to hawk his new t-shirt. Big Show cuts a funny promo, explaining the word “innuendo.” He then proceeds to call some of the WWE fans “fat.” In other news, the pot was quoted as calling the kettle, “Black.” Rey throws the shirt in the crowd and…attacks Big Show? What is he? A retard? But Hardcore Holly saves the day. And Big Show is blown up.

Backstage, Show is pissed off and GM Paul Heyman tries to appease him by giving him a match with Holly. Show responds by destroying a monitor, which of course means, “Yes, I am overcome with happiness about that.”

MATCH #2
Bradshaw vs. Rhyno
Referee: Mike Sparks
This is the rubber match of this epic feud that sent 2003 out with a bang. Ok, maybe not. If I may quote Officer Barbrady from South Park, “Move along, there’s nothing to see here.” Pretty blah match with these two. Bradshaw ends the war with the Clothesline from Hell. Bradshaw will hopefully move on back to Velocity while Rhyno unfortunately may move to the unemployment line, better known as TNA. After all, there are cuts coming up and Rhyno’s 3 years are expiring.
Winner: Bradshaw at 2:26

Video is shown of Eddie and Chavo taking part in a “Low-rider Parade.” Only in Texas.

Commercial is shown for the WWE Originals CD, which looks to be a big steaming load of crap. I see there’s a song on there called “Did You Feel It?” by Steve Austin. That song will be cool if it’s an ode to Debra.

Recap of the backstage SmackDown! in Iraq video. If you saw it on Confidential, you saw it here.

Backstage, Paul Heyman talks about how proud it was to be in Iraq when John Cena steps in. Cena disputes Heyman’s patriotism and Heyman counters by claiming that he takes advantage of the freedom of opportunity. And honestly, who wouldn’t be proud of their opportunity to be kicked off the creative team despite presenting some of the best television since 2000? Heyman tells Cena to get a partner of his choice to take on the FBI in a Handicap Match. If he and his partner win, they get in the Royal Rumble. If they lose, they have to pay double for their meal at Fuddruckers. And they don’t get into the Royal Rumble. Cena’s got such a microphone presence that really resembles The Rock.

MATCH #3
Handicap Match
The F.B.I. vs. John Cena & Chris Benoit
Referee: Jimmy Kordeiras
Benoit inserts himself as the tag team partner, much to Cena’s surprise. Benoit even makes a rap about Heyman and the F.B.I.! Give that man the title, now. Benoit makes Palumbo tap out after Cena hits Stamboli with the FU. Benoit and Cena head to the Rumble, while the F.B.I. head back to Velocity. I bet Chuck wishes he was still gay.
Winners: John Cena & Chris Benoit at 6:57

Kurt Angle makes his first appearance on TV since Survivor Series. He announces that he’s entering the Royal Rumble. And he’s doing it for the troops. He basically took 7 minutes for a message that he could have gotten across in 30 seconds.

MATCH #4
Non-Title Match
The Big Show vs. Hardcore Holly
Referee: Brian Hebner
I bet it shocks the hell out of you that this is a non-title match. This is day #76 in Big Show’s U.S. Title reign and he has defended the title zero times. A chair gets brought into the ring for no reason really. Big Show goes for the chokeslam, but Holly kicks him in the balls for the DQ. How come they DQ some people for nut shots, but not everyone? If you’re going to DQ for nut shots, do it in every match. I’ve always hated the old school explanation of, “Well, the ref doesn’t want to DQ anyone in a match as important as this.” Do it for every match. Holly then proceeds to beat the shit out of Big Show with a chair. It works for me.
Winner: The Big Show by DQ at 5:00

Backstage, Dawn Marie is with Paul Heyman. But she gets the boot when Benoit comes in laughing. Heyman and Benoit then proceed to engage in an awesome promo. Heyman declares Benoit the #1 entry into the Rumble and Benoit declares that he’ll go through everyone and be the next WWE Champion. Awesome stuff from both Heyman and Benoit here. Benoit looks like he’s finally getting comfortable doing promos, as this was just great intense stuff.

Backstage, Funaki, Bradshaw, Orlando Jordan, and Shannon Moore are celebrating with Rey. Why is Rey wearing a new mask? Anyways, Eddie jumps in to join the celebration. He said he was so inspired by Rey that he is going to enter the Rumble. Well, gee, as if the chance to main event WrestleMania wasn’t enough, but Rey winning the title was. Chavo then calls him selfish. Can we just turn him heel and get the fucking shit over with already so Eddie can move the hell on?

MATCH #5
Los Guerreros vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team
Referee: Nick Patrick
You know, I love these two teams to death, but after match #83, it kind of gets old and makes you want something else. This is becoming as tiresome as the never-ending Hardys/Edge & Christian/Dudleys stuff from 2000. They basically run through the same match again. Chavo hits a failed frog splash, as Haas gets the knees up. Shelton then nails Chavo with the Holy Fucking Shit Super Kick and Haas gets the win. Chavo goes crazy and Eddie tells Chavo to nail him. But before the heel turn can finally occur, Angle comes out to separate the too and cool things off. JESUS, GET TO THE HEEL TURN ALREADY.
Winners: The World’s Greatest Tag Team at 5:51

Backstage, Angle pretty much lets Eddie have it and takes Chavo’s side of the whole mess. Is Angle turning heel again? Angle needs to do some research and find out what happened to guys, with the exception of Ric Flair, who constantly turned face and heel. But Eddie sure did look pissed off. I’d be pissed too if they drug out a stupid feud I was in this long that was holding me back from other more-important things I could be doing.

Cole and Tazz close out the show, wishing everyone a Happy 2004. You know, I wouldn’t mind if they started doing a little show recap at the end of every show, kind of like this. At least it would be something new.

S_D’S BOTTOM LINE
Well, we’ve got Holly vs. Lesnar at the Rumble officially. While the sympathetic part of me thinks it’s cool that Holly’s getting a reward for all his years and loyalty in the company, the business part of me is cringing. But hey, the Rumble is the real draw of this show, so I guess it’s ok. Rey is the new CW Champ, but there’s really nothing new there. Cena and Benoit are in the Rumble now, and Benoit is #1. And the Eddie/Chavo feud CONTINUES to drag on. With every show this feud drags, the more the window of opportunity for Eddie to be a star closes. Oh yeah, and Billy Gunn is returning at the Rumble. Yippy fucking Skippy.

PPV Line-up as of 1/1/04:
-- Hardcore Holly vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title
-- The 2004 Royal Rumble

©S_D, 2004.