Humor by James Ryder

What a gay name! Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one? Oh, it was me. Originally I had it titled "1-2-3 with BFP". Why 1-2-3? Some would say it's my homoerotic fixation on Sean Waltman. Some would say it's a reference to pro wrestling pinfalls. And some would say it's because there are 3 letters in my posting name. And you'd all be right. ESPECIALLY the ones who think it's about my lust for X-Pac. Oh, to be a fly on the walls of the X-Pac and Chyna sex tape.

That's right, I made a joke about Chyna and X-Pac's sex tape. So what if it's 4 months ago, it's not like I've written anything since then, right?

But that's all changed folks! BFP is here to be consistent and reliable! He's here to charm the pants off of you, especially if you're Sean Waltman!

Anyway, there is a fancy new look to our humble website. Fancy buttons, a new messageboard, a new feature here and there. Obviously, we wanted to remember our roots, so we made sure that the archives stayed completely empty, and the staff page is of course never going to have anything done to it.

But with the new look comes a new style. What we're doing now is providing you with daily columns, news updates and recaps. Want to know what happened on Smackdown? Make sure to read whats his face! Didn't get to see Raw on Monday? Stop by here Tuesday to read Six Half Tutors column! I love everyone here at TheDDT, from Rouge all the way down to the bottom of the barrel in Bob Wilson. Without you guys, we'd be nothing.

Who am I kidding? I'm like the HHH of this site! I am constantly spoke of in the form of 3 initials. I have a thing for fat girls. I broke a retards arm in a cage match. We're like the same guy, except for the muscle mass and shrunken genitals. Well, just the muscle mass really.

And now, every Friday, I'll be here. Much like Urkel warmed the hearts of a nation every Friday night for many years by tormenting "Fat Generic Negro Cop", I will be here to wax philisophical about the pro wrestling industry. I'll give you the dirt, the analysis and most importantly, my own views on the goings-on in this business that I lovingly refer to as "Ewok Heaven".

Either that, or every Friday I'll just throw out a few "LITA HAS A WEINER" jokes and fire John Cena.

Anyway, each week, I'm going to break my column down into 3 simple parts. The B, the F, and the P. B? Behind the scenes. Who needs Meltzer when you've got me making stuff up off the top of my he....I mean REPORTING INSIDER GOSSIP FROM MY CLOSEST SOURCES! The F? Friday's Top 10. There's no easier way to mail it in than by writing a Top 10. And by mail it in, of course, I mean work diligently at making this column respectable, right forum member Spackle? (BFP's note: I've also found randomly mentioning forum members makes them like your column no matter what.)

PiKappaKeith, Lurk, The Effect, Stumps, Creon. That oughta do it.

And the P? Why, that obviously stands for PAST OR PRESENT. As in, I'll take a star of the wrestling industry and let you know of their storied past, or their sketchy current situations. In the past, I've let you know the heart-warming stories of Missy Hyatt and Jumpin Jim Brunzell, and told you the legendary backstories of Rob Van Dam and Mitsuhara Misawa. And really, where else can you lump Misawa and Missy Hyatt together unless you're making a list of people who've had sex with Lita?

Anyway, that's what to look for, starting today, and continuing every Friday, until I get bored. So basically, today only! On with the show!

BEHIND THE SCENES:

I know what you're thinking. I read Meltzer! I read Keller! I read Phat Tito! What can BFP possibly know that I haven't already heard THRICE times before? Folks, I'm as inside as you can get. When Brock Lesnar quit the WWE, who do you think was the first to report it? ALEX MARVEZ? Not bloody likely! So brace yourself. I'll give you news and history and mush it all into one big glob of wax.

-The WWE is apparently very high on Gene Snitsky. When asked if he would consider pushing him to the main event, Vince McMahon said, "Snitsky? Don't we have enough Mexicans?" He then wobbled his arms back and forth, gulped very cartoon like and had sex with Sable on his desk.

-What do Gorilla Monsoon, Tony Schiavone, Eric Embry and Frenchy Martin all have in common? You guessed it. A fetish for paying hookers to chew the foreskin off of corpses while they watched.

-Also, they all banged Lita.

-In related news, Lita's feud with Trish Stratus isn't expected to end at Survivor Series. I found this out from that fat guy who Simon Dean beat up, right after he'd finished banging Lita.

-TNA has some hot new plans to make a splash in order to get some mainstream publicity. Said Jeff Jarrett, "Well, let's just say that we've got Hall and Nash already, we've got myself and BG James, but we're also in heated talks with Tatanka, Sid Vicious and Davey Boy Smith." Soon, Jarrett's plan of recreating 1995 will come to life! PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT, VINCE!

-Stephanie McMahon recently made headlines for her non-wrestling interests. The Hartford Gazette wrote a small article about her visiting the county fair, and eating her weight in deep fried twinkies.

-This stuff is hot off the press! Apparently, a ROH wrestler, we'll call him S. Joe, has a kinky sex life in which he likes to tie up his partner, who we'll call B. Bayless with barbed wire and hit her with Yakuza kicks aimed directly at her breasts. Don't worry guys, your secret is safe with me!

-Christopher Daniels and James Storm got into a heated scuffle backstage at the TNA tapings. Apparently, Storm is a staunch conservative who supports George Bush while Christopher Daniels doesn't care for people who got their job by giving oral sex to Bob Ryder.

-Kane will reportedly be gone for several more weeks in order to film his movie, "Eye Scream Man". This isn't that interesting, so here's something I've made up. While on location at the filming, Kane killed a grizzly bear with his bare hands and feasted on it's hot, bloody carcass.

-Johnny Ace is reportedly getting a lot of heat from the boys backstage. He's enforced several new rules that they don't care for, such as dress code and fines for being late. Also, they're not thrilled with his new rule of violently forcing them into sodomizing the corpse of Al Wilson at every Raw taping for good luck.

-Lex Luger lost his bid for mayor of Macon, Georgia this past week. Some political analysts cite Luger's right-wing views as too much of a turn off for middle of the road voters. Others claim that Luger lost it during the town hall debate when he promised that if he lost, he'd kill the new mayor just like he killed Elizabeth, then proceeded to rack that guy into submission. That mans name? You guessed it. TheMikeSays.

-I'm not one to sling mud, but let's just say that if science had a breakthrough that showed it was really healthy for men to spend most of their waking hours with a bag of baby carrots shoved deep into their rectum, then Sylvan Grenier would be a picture of health!

-Want spoilers for TNA's Victory Road PPV? Let's just say we may see the return of a "REAL AMERICAN" who "BLEEDS RED AND YELLOW" and also "BODY SLAMMED ANDRE THE GIANT". That's right, they're bringing in David Young. And spinebusters will be administered at an alarming rate!

-Tito Santana? Gayer than a french horn!


FRIDAY'S TOP 10:

Every week, I'll do a Top 10 list. In the past, my Top 10 lists have taken up an entire column, but these will be shorter, less funny and somehow, emit a wailing screech when you read them. This week?

Top 10 Excuses given for the poor Taboo Tuesday Buyrates:

10. Fans didn't vote for Tyson Tomko, and therefore missed the debut of his new gimmick, the pantsless ninja.

9. Stephanie ate 36% of the votes.

8. Bookers were too busy banging Lita to write anything good.

7. Wrestlers couldn't perform because backstage was filled with the stench of fried baloney.

6. In Patterson's absence, all of the matches were laid out by Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge. And he LOVES the Dusty Finish!

5. Plenty of Tuesday, not enough Taboo.

4. Snitsky's insistence on being called Mookie and wearing trunks made of dried up gravy.

3. Should have never promised open mouthed tongue kissing with Eugene and Regal.

2. Build up for Orton vs. Flair didn't contain any beards of bees.

And the Number 1 Excuse given for the poor Taboo Tuesday buyrates is....

1. Can't be expected to keep key male demographics when competing with shows like Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars and that show where fat people lose weight.

And now it's time for the P!

PAST OR PRESENT: SHANNON MOORE

One of my favorite aspects of pro wrestling is learning about how the stars got to where they are. Some have great stories of rising up from nothing to become a star. Some have tragic tales of heartache. And yet some have always had it good, living a silver spoon lifestyle.

I'm not sure where exactly Shannon Moore falls in that category. He's had his share of heartache, and obstacles to overcome, but he was also blessed with a lot of things that most people simply will never experience. Let me tell you his story.

Born November 5th, 1974, Shannon Moore(real name Dudley Doherty) was the only child of a wealthy couple in the affluent suburbs of Charlotte, North Carolina. The first thing people generally ask Shannon is how he got his name.

Some would suggest he was named after Shannon Sharpe, but unless he was nameless until Shannon Sharpe debuted in the NFL, that theory isn't likely. Others theorize he was given a name that could fit a boy or girl, due to the fact that he was born with both male and female reproductive organs.

All of them would be wrong. He was named Shannon because his mother was a morphine addict and her slurred speech made the doctor think Shane sounded like Shannon.

At this point, you're probably wondering why I'm telling you of how his name of Shannon was given if his REAL name is Dudley. And to those people, I say: Grow up, you immature fools. Seriously, some people are such gaywads.

Anyway, Shannon AKA DUDLEY for all you fags out there, lived a plentiful life. He attended posh, private schools and received the finest education money could buy. On the outside, he had everything a teenager could want.

But on the inside, he had nothing. Except explosive, blood soaked diarreah. And plenty of it.

At the age of 15, he ran away from Ogdens Military Educational Grounds Academy. Saying goodbye to his friends at OMEGA was hard, especially the first love of his life, a young Amy Dumas. She was his first. He was her 34th.

It was during the height of passion that Shannon realized his true calling. Looking lovingly into Lita's face, he realized that he loved nothing more than rolling around mostly nude with someone who had a finely chiseled jaw structure and man hands. But that brought about the question, how could he continue in this hobby?

Gay porn was the obvious choice, but it wasn't long before Shannon grew tired of performing his patented triple anal scenes. Ironically, that skill would later come in handy when he met with the WWE booking team! Leaving the porn industry with money in his pocket and blood and semen in his feces, he was still searching for that true passion in his life.

He enjoyed the attention porn brought him, so he tried to stay in the spotlight. For 3 consecutive years, he became Miss North Carolina until they implemented gender testing. Shamed and embarrassed, Shannon returned home, broken, empty and slightly drunk.

It was at this point when things began to turn around. One day while lounging in the family pool, Shannon's parents approached him. They decided it was time to sit down for a talk. They cared for him, and knew something was troubling him. So they gave him a gift that they thought could help him cheer up.

And they were right, for a time. Shannon LOVED the fact that his parents had actually purchased a homeless woman that he could punch and kick at will, but it still didn't fill the void. Even the brutal stabbings, though fun, didn't give him that rush that he only had on those hot August nights, groping at Lita's adams apple in the throes of ecstasy.

And that's when it happened. It was a Monday night, and like all Monday's at the Moore household, the family was taking turns kicking their homeless woman as hard as they could, square in the ribs. Her fearful shouts of, "Please don't hurt my unborn child" were met with laughter. Oh how they loved that woman.

And that woman's name was SHANNON MOORE. Or Shane Helms. I forget.

Either way, one swift superkick sent the filthy tramp flying into the den, knocking into the television. It turned on, and what Shannon saw amazed him. Well sculpted men, groping at each others privates, wearing nothing but tight underwear! Yes, this was truly bliss.

Then, after "Meet The Press" was over, he switched the channel and saw wrestling for the first time! Needless to say, he was less than excited, but still, he decided to give it a shot.

Three months later, he'd finished wrestling school and debuted in the WWF under the name of Friar Ferguson. His first feud was tested out at house shows against a young Waylon Mercy(real name Waylon Smithers). They tore the house down, and really had great chemistry. Unfortunately, wrestling audiences just weren't ready for a gimmick of a Friar who performs open heart surgery on his opponent after every match. The gimmick was scrapped, and Shannon was released.

Feeling worse than ever, he went back to OMEGA and sought comfort in his friends. Matt and Jeff Hardy(real names Frank and Joe Hardy) decided he'd be a perfect fit in their ultra-queer trampoline wrestling company, and he immediately became a regular at HARDYS BASEMENT ARENA.

His first matchup in OMEGA was a shock, as he faced a mystery opponent. As that person came through the curtain, he was shocked, sickened and ecstatic to see his first love walking down the aisle.

That's right, he had to wrestle Richard Dreyfuss!

The less said about that match, the better; but let me just say that several people in attendance had to hold in the vomit from the sheer amount of blood loss. To this day, some people contest that they didn't know the human neck could turn that far.

After the Dreyfuss feud, the people running OMEGA realized he had potential, and decided to feud him with Joey Abs(real name Joey Tribbiani.) This feud was traditional in every sense of the word. A classic babyface combo that saw one man turn evil that led to a one on one showdown.

It started with Shannon and Joey in a backstage segment where they seductively fed strawberries to a drunken Balls Mahoney. The bookers knew their fans, and there was nothing backwoods hillbillies liked more than purty blonde boys feeding them strawberries when they'd gotten some moonshine in their belly. Shannon immediately became a cult favorite.

The plans were to have Joey turn on him while going for the tag team titles, throwing him through a table in the ultimate swerve. However, backstage there was legitimate heat between the two competitors. Joey Abs felt like he was not getting enough attention and the spotlight was all on Shannon.

Some say he felt that Shannon was getting the spotlight because he was the younger, better looking member of the team. Others say he felt Shannon was getting the spotlight because during their matches, they would turn off the house lights and focus a giant spotlight on Shannon, following his every move. Either way, this led to a horrible incident backstage that involved raccoons, liquid latex and the severing of a nipple.

Shannon, being the new guy, took the blame and was released from the company. For the next few months, he lived on the road, working indy shows here and there and making his money by doing some acting. He was in mostly small roles in unknown movies, such as playing the tornado in "Twister" and that exploding gum in "Mission: Impossible".

His life in a spiral of depression, ice cream and torrid love affairs with the cast of Frasier, Shannon was near suicide. That is, until he got a call from Shane Helms(real name Shane McMahon Helmsley). Helms had been signed by WCW! And they needed someone to work with him on dark matches.

Shannon mulled it over. Did he dare go back to the world of wrestling? Wouldn't he be better off where he was? After some thirty seconds of crucial decision making, Shannon removed the anal beads, finished up with the chimpanzee and collected his $15 in McDonald's gift certificates, and headed to WCW.

it was the beginning of the big-time wrestling career of Shannon Moore. Unfortunately, it was also the end of the gay porn industries biggest star in years, Do-Me Moore.

Did he make the right decision? Some say yes, others say no. He had moderate success in wrestling, and to this day still appears from time to time on Smackdown, getting manhandled by the likes of Heidenreich and Orlando Jordan.

I guess it's a question of how you want to make your fortune. Shannon chose fake fighting with large men over being the star of "Bukkake Bachelor Party 6".

In an ironic twist of fate, the star of that movie? You guessed it. Richard Dreyfuss.

Also, Dreyfuss banged Lita.


And there it is folks. The first of my weekly installments. Hope I didn't make you piss blood or anything. One last thing before I go.

TGIBFP seriously sucks as a name. So drop me an email or if you visit our forum, PM me. I need a name for this column. If I get a good one, you'll be rewarded handsomely.

Until next week, I'll be bathing in the blood of the unwashed masses.

-BFP
"I heart Do-Me Moore"