Opinion by Alex Carson

Hello boys and girls. I know I promised a long time ago I'd do RAW and Smackdown! roasts more often, but well, I got lazy. Hey, speaking of lazy...

Today's roast will be on the former WWE wrestler "Test," Andrew Martin. I had the (dis)pleasure of reading a post on his web site (www.andrewtestmartin.com) today. I'm not going to dig too much into why Martin chose wrestling as a career, but I'm guessing that it was one of two things.

1) He had no clue what he was getting into, and winged it as long as he could.
2) His career as an English teacher never quite came to fruition. You'll see examples of this below.

So, on the web site he said the following:

"I've been up all night and haven't really slept as everyone knows by know Eddie Guerrero has passed away. Everybody knows Eddie had his demons but he had been clean for a long time, it was way to soon for him to go and he leaves behind to beautiful young daughters and a wonderfull life my heart goes out to them. Eddie was a huge help to me he helped me progress in the ring and we even wrestles at Wrestlemania in Houston in 2001 for the European championship."

Now, I'll be fair. His intentions in that paragraph (or, whatever he calls that run on spout) were pretty heart felt. All of us were sad to learn about Eddie's passing.

However, he ruined it by then rambling on, asking who the next to die would be. He all but pointed the finger at WWE, claiming they'll fire you if you dare get hurt and need time off. I'm pretty sure I remember Steve Austin, Chris Benoit, and Triple H having major injuries. I also remember WWE allowing them time to rehab, and pushing them once they returned.

Okay, so Martin has a good beef there, right? Why didn't WWE do that for him, like they did for the others? Perhaps, Andrew, it had to do with the fact that those guys have more than an ounce of talent in their bodies. They could either do that wrestling thing that you couldn't, that mic work thing you lacked, or both. You were damaged goods with no upside upon your return. Get over it!

Then comes my favorite part. He basically tries to talk any wrestling hopefuls out there to stay clear of the business. Of course, he calls them "wannabes" first, which I'm sure works when you want to convince someone of something. Then, he says:

"so think long and hard before you get in this business cause I can tell you first hand that if your not working or making them money they don't give a shit about you"

For all you readers, I want you to know I actually slapped myself after reading that. That's how much disbelief I had.

I sit in a cubicle all day and sell IT products to corporations. If my revenue goal is $200,000 and I only sell $25,000 -- we have problems because I'm not making my company money. If I continually get chance after chance to improve, and I continue to loaf around and not make money for the company -- we have bigger problems. If I then break my legs playing softball, and take two months off -- chances are, I aint comin' back.

Catch my drift, Andrew? If I were as bad at selling computers as you were at wrestling, I'd be canned, too. Besides, I don't get to bone chicks as hot as Keibler at my place of employment. Quit your complaining.

I hear the readers of WrestlingDB like their meat medium rare, so I'll stop there. Otherwise, this roast will provide an over done Teststeak.

Until next time...

PS - Andrew "Test" Martin quotes not subject to spell check, regardless of how many damn red lines under words I just saw.

Last Edited: Monday, November 14th, 2005 - 11:22 pm EST